It's has been a LONG time since my last post......indicative of the amount of studying we do in this program. This past week was intense, with two written assignments, a comprehensive quiz in Meridians and Points, a test in Theory, and my roommate continuing to act from a place of exhaustion and paranoia.
I made the decision two weeks ago that I would move out at the end of this trimester. No more trying to stick this out until April. It feels right to get into a better situation, I have learned my lessons with her......I find myself having compassion for her, for myself, and it is plain as the nose on my face that I have been viewing behaviors similar to those I acted on in my relationship with D. In their full force weirdness.....it has given me a sense of compassion towards what D. experienced living with me while I was very confused, tired, scared, and having grave liver issues.
I met with my advisor, Dr. Zhang, this week at the point where I was feeling unsure if I wanted to continue with the herbal portion of my degree (we have that option....acupuncture alone, or acupuncture and herbal medicine). She was very encouraging, explaining how the herbal portion is actually the majority of treatment in China, whereas in this country, acupuncture is emphasized. She also told me I had an aptitude for acupuncture/oriental medicine, and to hang in there. Nice to get that support. I went back to my herbal assignment, and found that sense of excitement, connection, again.
My intuition moved me to changing my treatment to the Seneca Falls Health Center last month to another one of my professors.....Darlene Easton....an amazing practitioner. Prior to going to her, I was struggling with the heart palpitations, easily drawn down energy. I had the sense that the student clinic/practitioner was not hitting things right with me. Darlene radically changed my herbal formula to that of working on my liver.....as the degree of phlegm accumulation/toxins in the liver were making it overwhelm the earth element, and my heart was then overworking as it wasn't being supported by the Liver. One day of the week, she and her students treat my back shu points.....acupuncture points which boost or tonify the energy of each organ....and place burning moxa on my Life Gate point (over the 2nd lumbar vertebra) to invigorate my essence or basic life force energy. The other day will be acupuncture on front body points, to address liver, heart, gallbladder, spleen issues. And more burning moxa over Stomach 36 Zu San Li or Leg 3 Li points on my lateral lower leg, to again invigorate my energy level. To build what is called Zheng qi......the Right Qi, the qi which forms the basic health and physiological functioning of my body. When this is lowered, Evil qi, Xie qi, can take over more easily......being more susceptible to external forces....wind, cold, damp, heat, dryness....and internal imbalances.
See, I am learning something here.....my body is my laboratory and teacher.....
This approach is all working very well -- I rarely have heart palpitations, and when I do they are very minor and it takes more "efforting" and tiredness to bring it up. My energy level bounces back so much more quickly and abundantly after a stressful week or situation (like, those with roommate.....). I am exercising 2x per week, much more active at school, tolerating entire days without energy crashes, and doing daily qigong, typically 30 minutes, somedays 1 to 2 hours depending on my schedule....which in itself, I experience, is also a big factor in why I am feeling better.
Sing the praises of Eastern Medicine......I would never have been able to heal like this without energy medicine, and the "no panic" mindset/understanding of the healing process from German New Medicine. In fact, I learned last week in Theory class what Dr. Guo meant when he said I would not have survived liver surgery. Liver yin, liver blood and essence from the kidneys are responsible for "anchoring" yang in the body.....keeping yin and yang in connection with each other so that each is capable of contributing their "expertise" to the body/mind/spirit. My liver was so "dried up" and lacking of yin and blood that if I had surgery, the liver would not have been able to heal properly, letting my yang lose connection with my body......which would have then created a cascade of health conditions, leading to death.
Sent chills through me......wow, my Spirit really is/was in tune with wanting to live, to stay on this planet, to heal completely. I cried and cried and cried in April 2007, a few nights after D and I went to Mayo Clinic, where the surgery option was presented to me.....I told her, in the middle of the night, crying, that I could not do the surgery, that my Spirit did not want the surgery. Chemo...hell, that would have just overwhelmed my body/energy, also...... So, I am still alive and kicking and growing and healing and loving, thanks to Spirit.
I know this is my mission, purpose in life.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Looking at Beliefs......
I had a difficult mid-week this week, after having quite a few days of feeling really grounded, normal, happy. My roommate is a 5th trimester DC student, taking 33 CREDITS!! I have been watching her spiral down into this abyss of over-tiredness, mumbling under her breath, yet her continuing to say "I function best when on the edge!!!" Well, what I was getting, however, was more and more behaviors from an unedited, uninhibited, and tired person. My typical behaviors around my internet addiction, going more and more into the "yikes, it is feeling like I am walking on eggshells here!" and feeling not good enough, as well as my judgemental attitudes about her program and her way of dealing with stress smacked right into her issues. She barked at me a few times. I could take that. Then, she called me on my cellphone to express her "anger" about feeling intruded on one morning...WHAM! I went into my belief of not being good enough and not able to step back and see the whole scenario. I lost the ability to stay present and see the entire situation for what it was. I complained to a couple of classmates.....I ran the scenarios over and over in my mind....I carped about her behaviors......
Then, I saw that this was just dragging me down. There was no point to "winning" this war with her. Our living together was getting more and more uncomfortable. I was starting to think seriously about "getting the hell out of Dodge!" Yet, a part of me knew that this was a pattern for me.....and I wanted to get through it.
I heard her say, during one of her moments of exasperation, something to the effect of worrying about her finances. Bingo....I heard that on a deeper level. This was one more stressor to her that she just could not tolerate (and perhaps was making it more of an issue with all her other stressors going on). I wanted to let her know I cared, and heard her. So, I went to P&C Market and got her a small gift certificate. I gave it to her later that evening, saying "I just wanted to apologize for my insensitivities, I see that you are going through alot!" She was surprised, said I didn't have to do that, and then gave me a hug.
There was such a different feeling in the air around/between us. We laughed with each other that night. She talked loud enough so that I could hear her.
This morning, I received in my gmail inbox a message from Steve Pavlina's "Personal Development Insights".....he introduced a fellow named Morty Lefkoe, who essentially does cognitive behavioral therapy.....helping people look at their beliefs. I went through the process for "I am not good enough." At the end, 35 minutes later, I could tell that belief was gone, or at least had a minimal impact on me.
Went to acupuncture after that. A student in my program was there for observation, and I reluctantly agreed to have her sit in on my program.......concerned that my background issues would not be respected, since I have such a different way of dealing with health. Yet, I said ok, because I knew I would be in that position next week, as an observer, and a part of me DID want my classmate to know that there are alternative ways of looking at healing. So, on we go.
As I told my story, I could feel this belief creeping into the outer layer of my consciousness.....egads, I am crazy! I am sick. I did not sleep well last night, was waking up every 2 hours, and had some palpitations and tiredness. I was letting that experience overrun me, emotionally. I became afraid.....afraid that maybe I really was dying, and was just playing a trick on myself.
I had gotten the message Tuesday (two days prior) from friend Emily that a mutual friend of ours, someone who had gone to Dr. Guo, and at some point this spring had been deemed "healthy" and "cured" from colon cancer. Yet, Emily is relaying to me now that she is in hospice and isn't expected to live much longer!!!! My initial reaction was "holy shit! Am I going to die? We both saw the same herbalist, both had the same pronouncement of health!" It didn't help that this information arrived the day my roommate was going into her dance routine as well......
Intellectually, I rationalized that "I have a different mindset, from GNM, showing me that I AM healthy." I did have an interaction with this woman (K.) this summer, and at one point in our conversation, felt compelled to ask her "are you alright?" I asked her that a number of times......and wondered, "was I projecting there? Am I the one who is not ok?" It was true that I was going through the weird and intense gallbladder pain at the time..... I wonder now if a part of me was picking up something from her.....
Had an astrology reading last night with MoonCat in Missoula.....she confirmed just how psychic I am......she told me to "control the weather....." and "bring it on, now!" when I responded to something she said in the reading that hadn't come to fruition (yet, later on, I realized it had already.....).
Where am I going with all this......oh yeah. After acupuncture, I felt much better, went on to do my workstudy job. Within 1.25 hours, I felt the heart stuff coming back....and got back into the fear mode. I hung on for another 15 minutes of work, then moved on to turn off the projectors in various rooms. My body was dragging.....I decided to respond to my body rather than "think myself through it" and push on, which is my tendency. I stretched out on an adjusting table and took a quick nap, which helped.
As I got up to finish my rooms, I remembered the process I did this morning around beliefs, and so turned the light on to what was going on for me this morning. It became clear to me that I was operating under two scary beliefs:
1. As a child, I could not fathom that I would live until the year 2000......that seemed unattainable!
2. I am kidding myself around my health issues.
As I began to look at those, and acknowledge that these where both repeated thoughts in my mind, and probably reinforced by my parents behaviors, especially my mother's, that I no longer had to believe in them. And, I popped out of the feeling weak, worrying. As I sit here typing, I am aware of healing sensations.....hunger, ready to take a short nap, relief, warmth in my feet and hands.
I do know that mindset is a HUGE aspect to the quality of one's life, and that applies to health besides prosperity, getting your soulmate, etc. I have seen myself come close to plummeting into pits of despair and extreme weakness, just from the quality of buying into negative thought. When I realize what I am doing, and turn my thinking around to that of perfection......invariably, my energy level goes back to normal. Quite normal. Able to function normally.
Amazing turnarounds, just by how I think. Vibrate.
Then, I saw that this was just dragging me down. There was no point to "winning" this war with her. Our living together was getting more and more uncomfortable. I was starting to think seriously about "getting the hell out of Dodge!" Yet, a part of me knew that this was a pattern for me.....and I wanted to get through it.
I heard her say, during one of her moments of exasperation, something to the effect of worrying about her finances. Bingo....I heard that on a deeper level. This was one more stressor to her that she just could not tolerate (and perhaps was making it more of an issue with all her other stressors going on). I wanted to let her know I cared, and heard her. So, I went to P&C Market and got her a small gift certificate. I gave it to her later that evening, saying "I just wanted to apologize for my insensitivities, I see that you are going through alot!" She was surprised, said I didn't have to do that, and then gave me a hug.
There was such a different feeling in the air around/between us. We laughed with each other that night. She talked loud enough so that I could hear her.
This morning, I received in my gmail inbox a message from Steve Pavlina's "Personal Development Insights".....he introduced a fellow named Morty Lefkoe, who essentially does cognitive behavioral therapy.....helping people look at their beliefs. I went through the process for "I am not good enough." At the end, 35 minutes later, I could tell that belief was gone, or at least had a minimal impact on me.
Went to acupuncture after that. A student in my program was there for observation, and I reluctantly agreed to have her sit in on my program.......concerned that my background issues would not be respected, since I have such a different way of dealing with health. Yet, I said ok, because I knew I would be in that position next week, as an observer, and a part of me DID want my classmate to know that there are alternative ways of looking at healing. So, on we go.
As I told my story, I could feel this belief creeping into the outer layer of my consciousness.....egads, I am crazy! I am sick. I did not sleep well last night, was waking up every 2 hours, and had some palpitations and tiredness. I was letting that experience overrun me, emotionally. I became afraid.....afraid that maybe I really was dying, and was just playing a trick on myself.
I had gotten the message Tuesday (two days prior) from friend Emily that a mutual friend of ours, someone who had gone to Dr. Guo, and at some point this spring had been deemed "healthy" and "cured" from colon cancer. Yet, Emily is relaying to me now that she is in hospice and isn't expected to live much longer!!!! My initial reaction was "holy shit! Am I going to die? We both saw the same herbalist, both had the same pronouncement of health!" It didn't help that this information arrived the day my roommate was going into her dance routine as well......
Intellectually, I rationalized that "I have a different mindset, from GNM, showing me that I AM healthy." I did have an interaction with this woman (K.) this summer, and at one point in our conversation, felt compelled to ask her "are you alright?" I asked her that a number of times......and wondered, "was I projecting there? Am I the one who is not ok?" It was true that I was going through the weird and intense gallbladder pain at the time..... I wonder now if a part of me was picking up something from her.....
Had an astrology reading last night with MoonCat in Missoula.....she confirmed just how psychic I am......she told me to "control the weather....." and "bring it on, now!" when I responded to something she said in the reading that hadn't come to fruition (yet, later on, I realized it had already.....).
Where am I going with all this......oh yeah. After acupuncture, I felt much better, went on to do my workstudy job. Within 1.25 hours, I felt the heart stuff coming back....and got back into the fear mode. I hung on for another 15 minutes of work, then moved on to turn off the projectors in various rooms. My body was dragging.....I decided to respond to my body rather than "think myself through it" and push on, which is my tendency. I stretched out on an adjusting table and took a quick nap, which helped.
As I got up to finish my rooms, I remembered the process I did this morning around beliefs, and so turned the light on to what was going on for me this morning. It became clear to me that I was operating under two scary beliefs:
1. As a child, I could not fathom that I would live until the year 2000......that seemed unattainable!
2. I am kidding myself around my health issues.
As I began to look at those, and acknowledge that these where both repeated thoughts in my mind, and probably reinforced by my parents behaviors, especially my mother's, that I no longer had to believe in them. And, I popped out of the feeling weak, worrying. As I sit here typing, I am aware of healing sensations.....hunger, ready to take a short nap, relief, warmth in my feet and hands.
I do know that mindset is a HUGE aspect to the quality of one's life, and that applies to health besides prosperity, getting your soulmate, etc. I have seen myself come close to plummeting into pits of despair and extreme weakness, just from the quality of buying into negative thought. When I realize what I am doing, and turn my thinking around to that of perfection......invariably, my energy level goes back to normal. Quite normal. Able to function normally.
Amazing turnarounds, just by how I think. Vibrate.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Studying TCM
Well, as my title of today's blog notes, most of my time has been consumed by studying. Chinese Medicine is a totally different language, and concept. It is based on sages' viewing of the natural order of life.....how everything is just an aspect waxing and waning energy, nothing is static, everything is from a basic energy source, and health/disease is relative to the balance of all the constituents.....qi (energy), blood, essence, fluids, etc. Not a whiff of western physiological explanations there, either. Totally different.
What is amazing to me, though, is that TCM seems to me that it has evolved into the "integrative" model, the disease oriented model, adopting Pasteur's Germ Theory, the metatasis model, all unproven theories.....my assumption is in order to become part of the westernized business model. Especially these schools in the west.....join or fail to thrive. I do have my reservations about this, and I do find myself contemplating during classes, study how all my experiences have brought me to this moment. I look at Dr. Guo's ability to look beyond the fear of the western medicine, his "different understanding" as put by the campus health center acupuncture clinic director. I am aware of the classification of diseases into cold and hot/warm diseases, and how Dr. Hamer's GNM has shown these to be just aspects of the healing process. I wonder if TCM's roots where these categories arose had more to do with social conditions and the whether people, prior to the Warring States times, just did not survive the sympathicotonic stresses of conflict-active phase, and then perhaps with changing attitudes towards supporting the peasants (for the rulers' own good....to keep them in power), the general populace began living longer, able to resolve conflicts easier, medicine changing to help the process, and thus the "development/classification" of warm diseases.......it will be an interesting point to bring up with my theory prof.
So, my energy level is improving. I am able to exercise more regularly, albeit not an intense kind of workout as done in my past. I am aware of being more sensitive to emotional turmoil in others, and am learning to shut off my "conduit" so as not to take those energies in. I am finding it fascinating interacting with my classmates. For the most part, the group is really a great group of people. More mature, more friendly than my PT classmates as a whole. Then again, I am different....settled, not into the competition thing, much more confident and engaged in myself now. Yet, I do sense categories of people: the sheeples, the brainiacs, the timid, those who don't know themselves, the egoics, and.......a few of us who have dealt with issues around serious health and/or death. I find these categorizations in the faculty as well.
This latter group......I find these few people to be calm, much less affected by grade or status, much more willing to be loners, and, a connection with the heart is easily accessed.
An area of information which has been crossing my path alot lately is that of the Ascension........the raising of one's vibrational level in order to keep up with the changes in the Universe and our Earth. Sites I track are: http://johnsmallman.wordpress.com/ and
http://www.emergingearthangels.com/index.html
A few other places, just can't locate them right now. The basic message is: there is a lot of stuff going on right now. We are even "losing" minutes, as noted by the international scientific group that tracks the earth's rotational speed and how that creates time. The earth is spinning faster.
So, meditate. Do qigong. Rest more. Love more, especially your self! Let go of expecting things to "return to normal." We are where we are. Buckle up, people. Take away the blinders. Trust your body's wisdom.....listen!
Namaste, Mariah
What is amazing to me, though, is that TCM seems to me that it has evolved into the "integrative" model, the disease oriented model, adopting Pasteur's Germ Theory, the metatasis model, all unproven theories.....my assumption is in order to become part of the westernized business model. Especially these schools in the west.....join or fail to thrive. I do have my reservations about this, and I do find myself contemplating during classes, study how all my experiences have brought me to this moment. I look at Dr. Guo's ability to look beyond the fear of the western medicine, his "different understanding" as put by the campus health center acupuncture clinic director. I am aware of the classification of diseases into cold and hot/warm diseases, and how Dr. Hamer's GNM has shown these to be just aspects of the healing process. I wonder if TCM's roots where these categories arose had more to do with social conditions and the whether people, prior to the Warring States times, just did not survive the sympathicotonic stresses of conflict-active phase, and then perhaps with changing attitudes towards supporting the peasants (for the rulers' own good....to keep them in power), the general populace began living longer, able to resolve conflicts easier, medicine changing to help the process, and thus the "development/classification" of warm diseases.......it will be an interesting point to bring up with my theory prof.
So, my energy level is improving. I am able to exercise more regularly, albeit not an intense kind of workout as done in my past. I am aware of being more sensitive to emotional turmoil in others, and am learning to shut off my "conduit" so as not to take those energies in. I am finding it fascinating interacting with my classmates. For the most part, the group is really a great group of people. More mature, more friendly than my PT classmates as a whole. Then again, I am different....settled, not into the competition thing, much more confident and engaged in myself now. Yet, I do sense categories of people: the sheeples, the brainiacs, the timid, those who don't know themselves, the egoics, and.......a few of us who have dealt with issues around serious health and/or death. I find these categorizations in the faculty as well.
This latter group......I find these few people to be calm, much less affected by grade or status, much more willing to be loners, and, a connection with the heart is easily accessed.
An area of information which has been crossing my path alot lately is that of the Ascension........the raising of one's vibrational level in order to keep up with the changes in the Universe and our Earth. Sites I track are: http://johnsmallman.wordpress.com/ and
http://www.emergingearthangels.com/index.html
A few other places, just can't locate them right now. The basic message is: there is a lot of stuff going on right now. We are even "losing" minutes, as noted by the international scientific group that tracks the earth's rotational speed and how that creates time. The earth is spinning faster.
So, meditate. Do qigong. Rest more. Love more, especially your self! Let go of expecting things to "return to normal." We are where we are. Buckle up, people. Take away the blinders. Trust your body's wisdom.....listen!
Namaste, Mariah
Friday, August 28, 2009
Following the message
Well, LOTS has transpired since the last entry. I did indeed get accepted into Finger Lakes School of Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine, in Seneca Falls, NY. I packed up 9 boxes of books and clothes and special mementos, sold or gave away the rest of my earthly belongings, and drove out to New York with the aid of friend Kathy. My energy level, and my level of calmness improved with each day closer to New York. I told a number of friends "this feels SO right...I have no qualms at all about this move....and is the first time I have felt this comfortable with an intended move."
Here I am...in Fairport, NY right now, at my sister's home. Sleep has been variable, depending on the amount of stress for that day, or food consumption. My heart palpitations have dissipated considerably, much to my happiness. It seemed that the moving process was a help for getting me stronger. I can see how over the weeks my fitness level improved, to the point where now walking 10 to 15minutes at a time does not bother me. Stairs...I still take it easy and keep my mindset calm. I had some descending colon pain last week, which Dr. Guo relieved via increasing the DACH formula.
About 1.5 weeks before leaving, I began to visualize what I wanted for housing....I thought it would be nice to live on Lake Cayuga. A very specific scene popped into my mind....sitting in the front room, at dusk, overlooking the lake which was actually below the house level, and there were 2 trees over to the right, and a fire pit in the middle. The college sent me a listing of housing advertisements, and on a Sunday morning I started making calls, focusing on lakeside or lakeview housing. One in particular stood out, on Seneca Lake, the next lake to the west, partly because the woman was charging so little compared to others, but also because as she described it, it sounded like the scene in my mind. Then she sent me a link to the real estate ad (it had recently been taken off the listing), and, OMG....it sure looked like the vision. Needless to say, I felt very drawn to the potential.
I arranged to drive over and see her place last night, and since I was driving back from Albany (dropped off Kathy at the PineHaven B&B, where Doug was arriving so that they could have a family reunion with daughter Brynne and her fiance Bronson), she offered to let me stay overnight. She also had called me earlier to say that another woman had inquired about one of the rooms, and would have her join us. I arrived first....the outside was neat, the inside was damp/mildewy, cold, drafty, creaky, rooms were very small, 3 large dogs, the boyfriend was a very shy man, the woman was overly talkative but very nice, and spiders inhabited many corners of each room. I was beginning to doubt this vision, things just weren't feeling right. Ida, the other potential renter arrived...I had a sense of familiarity with her. We talked a bit longer after the woman and her boyfriend left, and decided I would call her in the morning to tell her my perception of the place.
Dusk arrived, and, sure enough, I looked out the front room through the porch, and there were the two trees, silhouetted just as I had seen. I had a very difficult time sleeping there....the dogs whined, I could hear the two upstairs talking, the water from toilet flushing/showering went directly overhead, the bed was just not comfortable. I woke up exhausted in the morning. The saving grace was the hot shower in the morning. I ate my breakfast, and left, panicked a bit....I felt drawn to drive down to Ithaca and look for decent housing.
Ithaca was cool....lots of cafes, a great natural foodstore, hip-ness all around. Moosewood Restaurant, unfortunately, was closed. My reflective listening buddy forgot our weekly phone call. Housing was VERY expensive in Ithaca. I felt like shit barely warmed over because of not eating well, driving all day, and not sleeping well. I was beginning to feel depressed. But, I wouldn't let my self go there. I turned north on 89 and drove up to Seneca Falls, not knowing why, except that I was to contact Ida in the morning.
A quick phone call to friend DeAndria..."Hi DeAndria, I need your support right now. This is what happened.......and then asked her to visualize the right living situation come to me which would be of support to my healing and schooling process.
I then called Ida as I got closer to SF, told her all about the experience at the lakehouse, and how I would not live there. She had the same feeling, too, and offered to meet me at the college to show me the housing list. We met at noon. Again, the feeling that being with her was comfortable. She is 47 years old, easy going, drives a Mercedes CL, likes to talk.
It turns out her situation was that she had arranged to sublet her apartment to 2 women, because she hadn't been successful finding a roommate, and would go into a shared housing situation herself. As she talked, I wondered "why don't I move in to her apartment?" So did she. The topic came up, she showed me her apartment...it was nice. It felt right. She called the other women, and told them she had decided to keep the place.
So, with two weeks before school, I do have a place to live. I realized that sometimes a vision is not necessarily the end result.....it may just be the step to take me on the next step, and that it is important to just accept the vision, not get attached to it, and just follow the message, the gut feeling, and be open to where it leads.
Ida and I got keys for me, and I then headed back to my sister's place. I made a great spaghetti dish while Nancy made salad, and we ate with Katie and Grandma Mary in her apartment. Played with Casper, the wonder dog, until Katie scooped him up and settled him down. I felt this content I hadn't had in a very long time....feeling joy over being with people, feeling connected. And, my thought is, hmmm, I have a great apartment with a roomie who is going through school and we can help each other in the process, and I can drive over to my sister's for R&R with them as needed. Life is good. Variety, familiarity, proximity to school...life is full, not just good.
Here I am...in Fairport, NY right now, at my sister's home. Sleep has been variable, depending on the amount of stress for that day, or food consumption. My heart palpitations have dissipated considerably, much to my happiness. It seemed that the moving process was a help for getting me stronger. I can see how over the weeks my fitness level improved, to the point where now walking 10 to 15minutes at a time does not bother me. Stairs...I still take it easy and keep my mindset calm. I had some descending colon pain last week, which Dr. Guo relieved via increasing the DACH formula.
About 1.5 weeks before leaving, I began to visualize what I wanted for housing....I thought it would be nice to live on Lake Cayuga. A very specific scene popped into my mind....sitting in the front room, at dusk, overlooking the lake which was actually below the house level, and there were 2 trees over to the right, and a fire pit in the middle. The college sent me a listing of housing advertisements, and on a Sunday morning I started making calls, focusing on lakeside or lakeview housing. One in particular stood out, on Seneca Lake, the next lake to the west, partly because the woman was charging so little compared to others, but also because as she described it, it sounded like the scene in my mind. Then she sent me a link to the real estate ad (it had recently been taken off the listing), and, OMG....it sure looked like the vision. Needless to say, I felt very drawn to the potential.
I arranged to drive over and see her place last night, and since I was driving back from Albany (dropped off Kathy at the PineHaven B&B, where Doug was arriving so that they could have a family reunion with daughter Brynne and her fiance Bronson), she offered to let me stay overnight. She also had called me earlier to say that another woman had inquired about one of the rooms, and would have her join us. I arrived first....the outside was neat, the inside was damp/mildewy, cold, drafty, creaky, rooms were very small, 3 large dogs, the boyfriend was a very shy man, the woman was overly talkative but very nice, and spiders inhabited many corners of each room. I was beginning to doubt this vision, things just weren't feeling right. Ida, the other potential renter arrived...I had a sense of familiarity with her. We talked a bit longer after the woman and her boyfriend left, and decided I would call her in the morning to tell her my perception of the place.
Dusk arrived, and, sure enough, I looked out the front room through the porch, and there were the two trees, silhouetted just as I had seen. I had a very difficult time sleeping there....the dogs whined, I could hear the two upstairs talking, the water from toilet flushing/showering went directly overhead, the bed was just not comfortable. I woke up exhausted in the morning. The saving grace was the hot shower in the morning. I ate my breakfast, and left, panicked a bit....I felt drawn to drive down to Ithaca and look for decent housing.
Ithaca was cool....lots of cafes, a great natural foodstore, hip-ness all around. Moosewood Restaurant, unfortunately, was closed. My reflective listening buddy forgot our weekly phone call. Housing was VERY expensive in Ithaca. I felt like shit barely warmed over because of not eating well, driving all day, and not sleeping well. I was beginning to feel depressed. But, I wouldn't let my self go there. I turned north on 89 and drove up to Seneca Falls, not knowing why, except that I was to contact Ida in the morning.
A quick phone call to friend DeAndria..."Hi DeAndria, I need your support right now. This is what happened.......and then asked her to visualize the right living situation come to me which would be of support to my healing and schooling process.
I then called Ida as I got closer to SF, told her all about the experience at the lakehouse, and how I would not live there. She had the same feeling, too, and offered to meet me at the college to show me the housing list. We met at noon. Again, the feeling that being with her was comfortable. She is 47 years old, easy going, drives a Mercedes CL, likes to talk.
It turns out her situation was that she had arranged to sublet her apartment to 2 women, because she hadn't been successful finding a roommate, and would go into a shared housing situation herself. As she talked, I wondered "why don't I move in to her apartment?" So did she. The topic came up, she showed me her apartment...it was nice. It felt right. She called the other women, and told them she had decided to keep the place.
So, with two weeks before school, I do have a place to live. I realized that sometimes a vision is not necessarily the end result.....it may just be the step to take me on the next step, and that it is important to just accept the vision, not get attached to it, and just follow the message, the gut feeling, and be open to where it leads.
Ida and I got keys for me, and I then headed back to my sister's place. I made a great spaghetti dish while Nancy made salad, and we ate with Katie and Grandma Mary in her apartment. Played with Casper, the wonder dog, until Katie scooped him up and settled him down. I felt this content I hadn't had in a very long time....feeling joy over being with people, feeling connected. And, my thought is, hmmm, I have a great apartment with a roomie who is going through school and we can help each other in the process, and I can drive over to my sister's for R&R with them as needed. Life is good. Variety, familiarity, proximity to school...life is full, not just good.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Burnout and Rebirth
I am two weeks into a 4 week leave of absence.....I hit my bottom over two weeks ago at work, and could not take one more demand on my energy there. It was scary, I knew I needed to take a break NOW. At first I took one week off, spent two days at home, two days then at the St. Norbert Abbey, one day at someone's house (thinking I needed to be around someone......no, I did not, I found out), then went back to the Abbey. I came home and called work the next day to say I needed more time off. Dr. Aldrich also agreed with me, and I changed my paperwork for 4 weeks of full time medical leave. It has been a week now, and this morning I woke up feeling like I was turning the corner.
Two days ago, I spent time with Debra Eberhardy, of Sacred Medicine in Schofield, WI. She was the woman who did soul retrieval work with me in August of 2007, literally saved my life. Well, she did it again! She assisted me on a journey to the other side, and into the underworld, in native american healing fashion. As I began to let go (that was hard, I was so much in my head, so fearful of experiencing the intense sedation I had during a healing touch session a month ago which made me very groggy), Debra was able to gently let me know that everything was ok, reminding me that she was there, I was protected. I heard the words emanate from inside me "chinese medicine will protect you...." Then she showed me the way into the underworld and there I met Silver Bear, my spirit guide. Debra and I communicated gently during the process, and I saw that my spirit had left me when my mother died. Debra retrieved my soul and blew it back into my belly and my head. I felt a release of the noose around my heart. I cried and cried the pain of mom's death, until I was able to sense I had let it go, finally.
The next piece of information that came to me was that I needed to re-address the goal I had of learning chinese medicine. I had the sense that I was to go east for school.....New England came up for me. I was aware of the New England School of Acupuncture outside of Boston, and we talked about that.....Debra had the strong sense that I needed to follow this intuition. I asked my spirit "when do I move and start this process?" I heard and saw "NOW!!!!" Very, very strong.
I got off the table and felt renewed, no heart pain, no fatigue. Settled. Ready to take the next step. My spirit guide is now with me, and I connect in with Silver Bear throughout the day, honor Silver Bear at meal times, and make tobacco ties to send my prayers to the spirit world.
Debra is studying chinese medicine at Midwest school of Acupuncture in Racine. She travels the 5-6 hours down there and back every week, and has been doing this for almost 2 years now. I was at her home for a woman's ceremony/lodge in December 2007, to do my own letting go ceremony of my relationship with D, when she first told me she was studying. I got IRATE!!! It was explosive, I felt this intense "NO!!! I am supposed to be doing that!!!! You are native american, this is not your medicine!!!" Funny to hear that from a midwesterner.....how am I any more qualified? I made some intensely rude remark to her and left the table. It wasn't until later, after I got home that I was able to talk to her about this, to apologize to her. But, I still didn't get the message that I needed to go back to school. I was too much into self-preservation mode as D and I crashed our way through our breakup.
At this session with Debra, she talked about September of 2007, when D and I went to her for a sweat lodge.....for my healing, but it also evolved into ceremony for D and her ancestry with the Lenae Lenape, embracing her grandfather, and to take in her step-sister's spirit to safeguard it as Nancy traveled (she had committed suicide the previous June). Then she told me about how D and I had given her a white bear pelt. Bear is the totem animal for healers. Two weeks later, she was attending the school in Racine. She said it was her honor to now pass on Silver Bear to me, because it is my turn to go learn. We both felt embraced by Spirit, aware that the world was in order.
My shaman brother Dale was with me again on this journey to Schofield. I love him so much.....he is an avatar, a healer, full of so much love! When I told him what transpired, and that I needed to go east to school, and to do it soon, he was initially concerned. I asked him to believe in me, and asked for his coaching, because he is really good at that. Soon, he was coming up with phrases for me to think of:
"winners keep their head in the game"
"know thyself, look inward"
"believe in myself!"
"everyone has the potential to be great, you just have to expect, demand it of yourself"
and my favorite "I am making myself a topnotch healer by putting more tools into my bag."
When I got home later that afternoon, I began looking up the New England School of Acupuncture.....I saw that the term began August 27th....my spirit said, "no that is too soon." So, I did a search on other schools in the northeast.....and, wow, one stood out in neon lights:
New York Chiropractic College's Finger Lakes School of Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. Master's in Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. 3 years. Term starts September 9th. The campus is on a big lake. The campus health center is staffed by chiropractors and acupuncturists. It is 50 miles from Nancy's, located in Seneca Falls, at the northern edge of Lake Cayoga. Months ago, when I was lamenting to my sister (who lives in Fairport, NY) that I really, really needed to get out of Green Bay, she wrote back to me and said "you know, there are some really neat places around here...around the Finger Lakes..." A few weeks ago, I began to have the feeling that she was calling me to come there. At the time, in my desperately downward spiraling situation, all I could feel was "if I go there, it is because I am dying and I need to be at her place." It felt like throwing in the towel, the last straw. My propensity for initial negativity.
Nope, she was calling me, alerting me to what was possible, potent for me in Upstate New York. There was also something familiar to me about the program. I wrote to Chris Lowthert, DC, my GNM friend, and he wrote back, confirming that this was where he did his chiropractic work! He said it was a beautiful campus, and a good program, and that I would love living in the area.
The next morning I called both NESA and NYCC, leaving a message at NESA, but directly connecting to Kyung Brown, Admissions counselor at NYCC. She and I talked for quite a while, there was still room for me in the fall program, there was time to get everything in place to start in September, financial aid would be available to cover the entire program if needed, housing, testing out of western sciences......It felt so right! I jumped in on FAFSA, my transcripts, the application, the recommendation letters.
NESA called me back later that morning, but it still did not feel like the right fit.
Later that morning I called Debra, she was so happy for me! She also said that she had said prayers for me last night, that everything would go smoothly, easily, and I would find the right program. "It is supposed to be easy" Vimala John Nemick said to me last year. He was referring to relationships, but it applies to any endeavor. Easy yet with its own travails, hard work but because it comes from the heart, it doesn't feel like a burden.
I refer you dear readers to Domo Geshe Rinpoche's blog http://satisfiedbuddhist.blogspot.com/. She is Ann-Marie's teacher. Today's post just happened to be about burnout........
Blessings to all. And, one last parting note from The Universe (just came today):
Look at it like this, Mariah, the more challenging your life story has been so far, the bigger the goose bumps for future generations who retell it to their kids. Who will no doubt add, "And if Mariah Peterson was able to do all that, so can you!"
We've barely just begun - The Universe
Two days ago, I spent time with Debra Eberhardy, of Sacred Medicine in Schofield, WI. She was the woman who did soul retrieval work with me in August of 2007, literally saved my life. Well, she did it again! She assisted me on a journey to the other side, and into the underworld, in native american healing fashion. As I began to let go (that was hard, I was so much in my head, so fearful of experiencing the intense sedation I had during a healing touch session a month ago which made me very groggy), Debra was able to gently let me know that everything was ok, reminding me that she was there, I was protected. I heard the words emanate from inside me "chinese medicine will protect you...." Then she showed me the way into the underworld and there I met Silver Bear, my spirit guide. Debra and I communicated gently during the process, and I saw that my spirit had left me when my mother died. Debra retrieved my soul and blew it back into my belly and my head. I felt a release of the noose around my heart. I cried and cried the pain of mom's death, until I was able to sense I had let it go, finally.
The next piece of information that came to me was that I needed to re-address the goal I had of learning chinese medicine. I had the sense that I was to go east for school.....New England came up for me. I was aware of the New England School of Acupuncture outside of Boston, and we talked about that.....Debra had the strong sense that I needed to follow this intuition. I asked my spirit "when do I move and start this process?" I heard and saw "NOW!!!!" Very, very strong.
I got off the table and felt renewed, no heart pain, no fatigue. Settled. Ready to take the next step. My spirit guide is now with me, and I connect in with Silver Bear throughout the day, honor Silver Bear at meal times, and make tobacco ties to send my prayers to the spirit world.
Debra is studying chinese medicine at Midwest school of Acupuncture in Racine. She travels the 5-6 hours down there and back every week, and has been doing this for almost 2 years now. I was at her home for a woman's ceremony/lodge in December 2007, to do my own letting go ceremony of my relationship with D, when she first told me she was studying. I got IRATE!!! It was explosive, I felt this intense "NO!!! I am supposed to be doing that!!!! You are native american, this is not your medicine!!!" Funny to hear that from a midwesterner.....how am I any more qualified? I made some intensely rude remark to her and left the table. It wasn't until later, after I got home that I was able to talk to her about this, to apologize to her. But, I still didn't get the message that I needed to go back to school. I was too much into self-preservation mode as D and I crashed our way through our breakup.
At this session with Debra, she talked about September of 2007, when D and I went to her for a sweat lodge.....for my healing, but it also evolved into ceremony for D and her ancestry with the Lenae Lenape, embracing her grandfather, and to take in her step-sister's spirit to safeguard it as Nancy traveled (she had committed suicide the previous June). Then she told me about how D and I had given her a white bear pelt. Bear is the totem animal for healers. Two weeks later, she was attending the school in Racine. She said it was her honor to now pass on Silver Bear to me, because it is my turn to go learn. We both felt embraced by Spirit, aware that the world was in order.
My shaman brother Dale was with me again on this journey to Schofield. I love him so much.....he is an avatar, a healer, full of so much love! When I told him what transpired, and that I needed to go east to school, and to do it soon, he was initially concerned. I asked him to believe in me, and asked for his coaching, because he is really good at that. Soon, he was coming up with phrases for me to think of:
"winners keep their head in the game"
"know thyself, look inward"
"believe in myself!"
"everyone has the potential to be great, you just have to expect, demand it of yourself"
and my favorite "I am making myself a topnotch healer by putting more tools into my bag."
When I got home later that afternoon, I began looking up the New England School of Acupuncture.....I saw that the term began August 27th....my spirit said, "no that is too soon." So, I did a search on other schools in the northeast.....and, wow, one stood out in neon lights:
New York Chiropractic College's Finger Lakes School of Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. Master's in Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. 3 years. Term starts September 9th. The campus is on a big lake. The campus health center is staffed by chiropractors and acupuncturists. It is 50 miles from Nancy's, located in Seneca Falls, at the northern edge of Lake Cayoga. Months ago, when I was lamenting to my sister (who lives in Fairport, NY) that I really, really needed to get out of Green Bay, she wrote back to me and said "you know, there are some really neat places around here...around the Finger Lakes..." A few weeks ago, I began to have the feeling that she was calling me to come there. At the time, in my desperately downward spiraling situation, all I could feel was "if I go there, it is because I am dying and I need to be at her place." It felt like throwing in the towel, the last straw. My propensity for initial negativity.
Nope, she was calling me, alerting me to what was possible, potent for me in Upstate New York. There was also something familiar to me about the program. I wrote to Chris Lowthert, DC, my GNM friend, and he wrote back, confirming that this was where he did his chiropractic work! He said it was a beautiful campus, and a good program, and that I would love living in the area.
The next morning I called both NESA and NYCC, leaving a message at NESA, but directly connecting to Kyung Brown, Admissions counselor at NYCC. She and I talked for quite a while, there was still room for me in the fall program, there was time to get everything in place to start in September, financial aid would be available to cover the entire program if needed, housing, testing out of western sciences......It felt so right! I jumped in on FAFSA, my transcripts, the application, the recommendation letters.
NESA called me back later that morning, but it still did not feel like the right fit.
Later that morning I called Debra, she was so happy for me! She also said that she had said prayers for me last night, that everything would go smoothly, easily, and I would find the right program. "It is supposed to be easy" Vimala John Nemick said to me last year. He was referring to relationships, but it applies to any endeavor. Easy yet with its own travails, hard work but because it comes from the heart, it doesn't feel like a burden.
I refer you dear readers to Domo Geshe Rinpoche's blog http://satisfiedbuddhist.blogspot.com/. She is Ann-Marie's teacher. Today's post just happened to be about burnout........
Blessings to all. And, one last parting note from The Universe (just came today):
Look at it like this, Mariah, the more challenging your life story has been so far, the bigger the goose bumps for future generations who retell it to their kids. Who will no doubt add, "And if Mariah Peterson was able to do all that, so can you!"
We've barely just begun - The Universe
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Thoughts from today......
This is an email I sent to my healing partner and friend, Ann-Marie
Ann-Marie, your phone call was a gift from heaven! I went to sleep with the words "my body WANTS to heal" running through my mind, psyche. I slept 10 hours, and woke up without the abdominal discomfort or anxiety. I also think Dr. Guo must have done some qigong to push things along...or I just trust him that much.
You and I, we are healing together.....we are healing buddies. It is fascinating watching how things are moving along.....Thursday I called my friend in Hawaii with whom I have been doing "masterminding" and told her it wasn't the right fit now and I still wanted to keep in touch, her reply was that she was just doing it for me...that's why it didn't click, it wasn't a mutual commitment. Then the reflective listening buddy call cracked open my story around anxiety. Then last night with you and Guo. Waking up to this lotustarot card of the week in my email inbox. Then my sister calling before 8am, she never does that....I told her about how well I slept, you, Guo....she was very happy, also for you, she asked how the session with Guo was for you, she was glad.
Supporting each other is the most important thing right now....keeping each other's spirit uplifted and mind centered on health. I think about that story of the woman with multiple personality, breaking her leg, and another personality getting off the ER bed and walking away without any injury. I am now in my health personality.......maybe it is time for a new name, LOL!!!
Here is the Taurus (that's me...May 3rd) week ahead horoscope from Jonathon Cainer:
Your Week Ahead: Have faith in the future. It belongs to you and it is getting ready now, to welcome you with open arms. Have faith in yourself. You belong to yourself and you deserve the very best you can give yourself! If something now seems wrong or awkward, ask yourself why you are allowing it to become such a dominating factor in your life? In what way are you clinging to a part of the past that you ought to leave behind? There's nothing but hope and happiness ahead of you. To get to it, just drop yesterday's redundant dream and embrace tomorrow's inspiring vision. It's not an escapist fantasy. It's the real way forward.
Fits, doesn't it?
love you, Mariah
Gazing at a star-studded night sky is a truly beautiful and
hypnotic experience.
There is a magic and wonder about the stars and many of us
are familiar with the phrase ‘wish upon a star’.
What would you wish for right now? If you were to wish for
it, would you believe it could ever come true?
I wanted to share with you the magic I have experienced by
focusing on The Star card when it has come up in my
readings.
Wishing upon a star is at the heart of The Star card’s
meaning. It is a card of optimism, hope and unexpected
gifts. When this magical card comes up in a reading for
you it heralds a time of more positive opportunities and
happy outcomes.
This card is welcome almost anywhere in a reading as it is
a good indication that your wishes will be fulfilled,
sometimes not always as you would expect, and this card can
bring one or more unexpected gifts your way.
When it appears it can mean you are being too negative or
pessimistic, and it encourages you to have more hope and
optimism in your heart and mind, which is why I asked the
question earlier – 'if you did make a wish, would you
believe it could come true?'
I have wished upon The Star card many times and my
spirits always lift when it appears in my readings. I
recall in early spring of 2002 making a wish to be
given an opportunity to work with the Tarot with as many
people as possible, sharing a gift that was mutually
beneficial for my clients and myself.
It was a big dream and a big wish for at that time I
couldn’t see how I could achieve it, but I did BELIEVE I
would. Then in May of 2002, I met David, the talented
webmaster of Lotus Tarot, and as they say, the rest is
history :-)
The Star card has been a frequent feature in my readings
for most of the last year and I know why: because I have
received so many unexpected surprises and gifts, not just
in money and material things, but also friendships and
love.
If you haven’t taken much notice of this card before, look
out for it now, and when it comes up, make your wish!!
Remember, a wish made with hope and belief can bring so much
more power and magic to it.
Ann-Marie, your phone call was a gift from heaven! I went to sleep with the words "my body WANTS to heal" running through my mind, psyche. I slept 10 hours, and woke up without the abdominal discomfort or anxiety. I also think Dr. Guo must have done some qigong to push things along...or I just trust him that much.
You and I, we are healing together.....we are healing buddies. It is fascinating watching how things are moving along.....Thursday I called my friend in Hawaii with whom I have been doing "masterminding" and told her it wasn't the right fit now and I still wanted to keep in touch, her reply was that she was just doing it for me...that's why it didn't click, it wasn't a mutual commitment. Then the reflective listening buddy call cracked open my story around anxiety. Then last night with you and Guo. Waking up to this lotustarot card of the week in my email inbox. Then my sister calling before 8am, she never does that....I told her about how well I slept, you, Guo....she was very happy, also for you, she asked how the session with Guo was for you, she was glad.
Supporting each other is the most important thing right now....keeping each other's spirit uplifted and mind centered on health. I think about that story of the woman with multiple personality, breaking her leg, and another personality getting off the ER bed and walking away without any injury. I am now in my health personality.......maybe it is time for a new name, LOL!!!
Here is the Taurus (that's me...May 3rd) week ahead horoscope from Jonathon Cainer:
Your Week Ahead: Have faith in the future. It belongs to you and it is getting ready now, to welcome you with open arms. Have faith in yourself. You belong to yourself and you deserve the very best you can give yourself! If something now seems wrong or awkward, ask yourself why you are allowing it to become such a dominating factor in your life? In what way are you clinging to a part of the past that you ought to leave behind? There's nothing but hope and happiness ahead of you. To get to it, just drop yesterday's redundant dream and embrace tomorrow's inspiring vision. It's not an escapist fantasy. It's the real way forward.
Fits, doesn't it?
love you, Mariah
Gazing at a star-studded night sky is a truly beautiful and
hypnotic experience.
There is a magic and wonder about the stars and many of us
are familiar with the phrase ‘wish upon a star’.
What would you wish for right now? If you were to wish for
it, would you believe it could ever come true?
I wanted to share with you the magic I have experienced by
focusing on The Star card when it has come up in my
readings.
Wishing upon a star is at the heart of The Star card’s
meaning. It is a card of optimism, hope and unexpected
gifts. When this magical card comes up in a reading for
you it heralds a time of more positive opportunities and
happy outcomes.
This card is welcome almost anywhere in a reading as it is
a good indication that your wishes will be fulfilled,
sometimes not always as you would expect, and this card can
bring one or more unexpected gifts your way.
When it appears it can mean you are being too negative or
pessimistic, and it encourages you to have more hope and
optimism in your heart and mind, which is why I asked the
question earlier – 'if you did make a wish, would you
believe it could come true?'
I have wished upon The Star card many times and my
spirits always lift when it appears in my readings. I
recall in early spring of 2002 making a wish to be
given an opportunity to work with the Tarot with as many
people as possible, sharing a gift that was mutually
beneficial for my clients and myself.
It was a big dream and a big wish for at that time I
couldn’t see how I could achieve it, but I did BELIEVE I
would. Then in May of 2002, I met David, the talented
webmaster of Lotus Tarot, and as they say, the rest is
history :-)
The Star card has been a frequent feature in my readings
for most of the last year and I know why: because I have
received so many unexpected surprises and gifts, not just
in money and material things, but also friendships and
love.
If you haven’t taken much notice of this card before, look
out for it now, and when it comes up, make your wish!!
Remember, a wish made with hope and belief can bring so much
more power and magic to it.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Freedom is an inside job
Yesterday, my friend Ann-Marie and I, along with my brother Dale, had gone down to Dr. Guo's office for appointments. For the past week plus, I have been having intense heart palpitations and angina, gall bladder pain (the energy of frustation sets off the gall bladder) and two days earlier had had a stressful situation at work which in the past would not have bothered me much at all....I was panicked and called my boss to say I was going to take off for a week, I feared for my existence at that moment. She was frantic that I had never gone to a cardiologist to get my heart checked out (I told her that I did not respect them and did not want to be evaluated, but relented and made an appointment with my MD who I at least trust much more because she respects and listens to me).
For Ann-Marie, she had developed a breast lump (ductal, in healing phase) about a month ago, and felt she needed to get allopathic diagnostics....which also revealed skin cancer patches in various parts of her body. She has had PET scans, CT scans, and the typical sit-down to discuss the results "Ok, take a deep breath...I am so sorry to have to tell you this........" She also was moved to set up an appointment with Dr. Guo, after asking me about my experiences with him. 30 minutes prior to our leaving for Chicago, she returned the message, and was told that the MD wanted to do a brain scan to determine what type of chemotherapy would be best for her. I was pretty calm about it, I had the sense that all was well, and so did she. Later that afternoon, she came out of Dr. Guo's office beaming, relieved, and anchored in respect for Dr. Guo's life-affirming herbal work and personal demeanor as well as how much German New Medicine makes sense and teaches us to have faith in the health process of our body.
Here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Ann-Marie this morning:
Ann-Marie, yesterday was a miraculous day. Starting with feeling so exhausted and my heart in turmoil literally and figuratively, having to concentrate so hard to stay here on this earth and away from the "Dark Side" of negativity while Dale drove me down to your place, my brother's compassion and love sustaining me. Picking up the phone at your place and taking the message from the oncologist Dr. Maul (I laughed driving home remembering his name....kinda interesting message, don't you think? It is like the dentist named Dr. Caries or Dr. Payne), watching you deal so gracefully with the information, noticing that I wasn't freaked out at all by the call....GNM sinking in. Your teachings to me (The Bridge technique, having the power within to heal versus giving that power over to others, friendship, laughter, acceptance). Dr. Guo's mastery, both with herbs and his choice of words. Being able to love what is, understanding why I was in Green Bay.
As Dale and I got closer to Green Bay, the heart palpitations started to come back somewhat.....I looked at it and realized I had started to worry....worry about my life in Green Bay, my work, where to live, etc. I reflected on how peaceful I felt at Guo's, driving back to your place, leaving Thiensville, and realized that the peace was always there for me, it was my worry, and typically the mad dash to "find the right thing" which blocks it. My pattern, and immediately after feeling the heart stuff, I would put it back onto that particular situation "oh, I must have this..." or "I must move here...." etc. Addicted to things outside of myself. And, it dawned on me, too, that I typically make my decisions based on if it made my heart excited, instead of calm. I felt the freedom, that I have always had choices, it was up to me to make them and honor them. I was able to see how the little apartment I am in has been a freedom, a choice, it gave me an inexpensive, reliable, safe place from which to move out of D's life. My job....it has given me the money to survive, thrive, be treated by Guo, it has shown me that I am a good therapist, it has given me the chance to get along well with co-workers. Green Bay.....it is a straight shot to Guo's on I-43. I am closer to my brother and have been blessed by his love and connection. I found German New Medicine and have been connected with life- and faith-affirming new friends.
I watched an episode of 30 Rock a couple of weeks ago....where Jack is in the hospital because of heart palpitations......his cranky mother is there, he is hooked up to a heart monitor, she starts to notice that some questions she asked him made his heart rate go up, others would settle it down....so she started asking him if he loved his fiancee....heart rate went up.....did he love his mother.....heart rate went down......did he want to marry his fiancee....he said yes but heart rate went way up.....was Liz his friend......heart rate went down.... The light went on in Jack's head....... Hmm, there's a message here for me, too....and yesterday sunk it in for me. I slept a solid night and woke up refreshed for the first time in almost a month.
Addicted to things outside of myself, addicted to excitement. Expecting fulfillment from things, moves, people.......which really are not the source of happiness, health and well-being.
Got up this morning, and in my email inbox was someone wanting to buy my bikes (although it looks like a spammer....will see if they respond), and another email giving me inspiration as to how I might be able to sell my Light Beam Generator machine.
Funny how stuff like that happens, when the light goes on and the door opens.......
For Ann-Marie, she had developed a breast lump (ductal, in healing phase) about a month ago, and felt she needed to get allopathic diagnostics....which also revealed skin cancer patches in various parts of her body. She has had PET scans, CT scans, and the typical sit-down to discuss the results "Ok, take a deep breath...I am so sorry to have to tell you this........" She also was moved to set up an appointment with Dr. Guo, after asking me about my experiences with him. 30 minutes prior to our leaving for Chicago, she returned the message, and was told that the MD wanted to do a brain scan to determine what type of chemotherapy would be best for her. I was pretty calm about it, I had the sense that all was well, and so did she. Later that afternoon, she came out of Dr. Guo's office beaming, relieved, and anchored in respect for Dr. Guo's life-affirming herbal work and personal demeanor as well as how much German New Medicine makes sense and teaches us to have faith in the health process of our body.
Here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Ann-Marie this morning:
Ann-Marie, yesterday was a miraculous day. Starting with feeling so exhausted and my heart in turmoil literally and figuratively, having to concentrate so hard to stay here on this earth and away from the "Dark Side" of negativity while Dale drove me down to your place, my brother's compassion and love sustaining me. Picking up the phone at your place and taking the message from the oncologist Dr. Maul (I laughed driving home remembering his name....kinda interesting message, don't you think? It is like the dentist named Dr. Caries or Dr. Payne), watching you deal so gracefully with the information, noticing that I wasn't freaked out at all by the call....GNM sinking in. Your teachings to me (The Bridge technique, having the power within to heal versus giving that power over to others, friendship, laughter, acceptance). Dr. Guo's mastery, both with herbs and his choice of words. Being able to love what is, understanding why I was in Green Bay.
As Dale and I got closer to Green Bay, the heart palpitations started to come back somewhat.....I looked at it and realized I had started to worry....worry about my life in Green Bay, my work, where to live, etc. I reflected on how peaceful I felt at Guo's, driving back to your place, leaving Thiensville, and realized that the peace was always there for me, it was my worry, and typically the mad dash to "find the right thing" which blocks it. My pattern, and immediately after feeling the heart stuff, I would put it back onto that particular situation "oh, I must have this..." or "I must move here...." etc. Addicted to things outside of myself. And, it dawned on me, too, that I typically make my decisions based on if it made my heart excited, instead of calm. I felt the freedom, that I have always had choices, it was up to me to make them and honor them. I was able to see how the little apartment I am in has been a freedom, a choice, it gave me an inexpensive, reliable, safe place from which to move out of D's life. My job....it has given me the money to survive, thrive, be treated by Guo, it has shown me that I am a good therapist, it has given me the chance to get along well with co-workers. Green Bay.....it is a straight shot to Guo's on I-43. I am closer to my brother and have been blessed by his love and connection. I found German New Medicine and have been connected with life- and faith-affirming new friends.
I watched an episode of 30 Rock a couple of weeks ago....where Jack is in the hospital because of heart palpitations......his cranky mother is there, he is hooked up to a heart monitor, she starts to notice that some questions she asked him made his heart rate go up, others would settle it down....so she started asking him if he loved his fiancee....heart rate went up.....did he love his mother.....heart rate went down......did he want to marry his fiancee....he said yes but heart rate went way up.....was Liz his friend......heart rate went down.... The light went on in Jack's head....... Hmm, there's a message here for me, too....and yesterday sunk it in for me. I slept a solid night and woke up refreshed for the first time in almost a month.
Addicted to things outside of myself, addicted to excitement. Expecting fulfillment from things, moves, people.......which really are not the source of happiness, health and well-being.
Got up this morning, and in my email inbox was someone wanting to buy my bikes (although it looks like a spammer....will see if they respond), and another email giving me inspiration as to how I might be able to sell my Light Beam Generator machine.
Funny how stuff like that happens, when the light goes on and the door opens.......
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