Saturday, September 13, 2008

Taking the leap.......

It has been a while since my last post......lots of life occurred, had to focus on my health more acutely due to exhaustion. I learned a big lesson here, mainly how much I try to keep up with others, instead of compassionately following MY needs.

So, back to my story......

My partner and I go home from Mayo Clinic, in shock, knowing I have a decision to make. We try to leave two days later on our vacation to California, only to find out that only one plane ticket had actually been bought, a mis-communication with the travel agent. I felt this peace come over me, I knew I needed to stay home and get my act together. Make my decisions. My partner felt it would be a "couple decision," which really translated into "Mariah, get the surgery, do what the doctors tell you, because I am too afraid to trust, I want you to live." As the days went on, I became more aware that my spirit was saying very loudly "no surgery! NO surgery! NO SURGERY!! I woke up crying a few nights later, knowing my spirit was telling me surgery was not the answer. D really wanted to hear me and honor my spirit, yet at one point, also out of intense fear, she in said to me "You act like you know more than the doctors!!" "Yes, I do" I replied "I know my body, my spirit." This was too much for her, she couldn't understand my thinking. All I sensed was control from her. I went to my meditation bench, asked for my healing that day, and came to a place of peace, knowing that I had asked and it was given.

And, just because you ask for something and know it is provided, doesn't mean it will be a piece of cake. It takes courage, it takes commitment, it takes letting go. Sometimes it feels like being in the dark. It's actually a jumping off place, into the unknown, into a totally new world of existence. There are no protocols, no tried and true steps to take. And, everyone has their own opinion on how to treat cancer. Just surf the internet, and you will find everything from Raw Food diet to relying only on Jesus to high dose Vitamin C IVs to Vibe Machines to ingesting massive amounts of cayenne pepper -- and, this is barely scratching the surface!

So, I decide to fly Montana, both for treatment daily with Dr. Tim, and also for a break from my partner. We were on very different pages, the incompatibility between us was never more apparent than now. I left, angry towards her, angry that she was pushing me to get surgery, angry that she wasn't able to fully support me, angry that it seemed she was more worried about money than my existence.

Anger.....a symptom of my condition, my liver was trashed, I was SICK. Past history of drinking alcohol, a mild case of hepatitis A, twice mononucleosis, candida, hypoglycemia (I had a reading of 28 when I finally went in to a naturopath in Portland, OR in 1989...normal is more like 70 to 100), asthma, depression, anxiety, stress, standard american diet, low self-esteem.

Dr. Tim treated me with love, respect and kindness, adjusted my spine daily, and gave me herbs, homeopathy, and lymphatic treatments as needed. I decided to do a juice cleanse while there (which I came to understand later was probably the wrong thing to do as it was too taxing on my already hard working body). He has been successful with many cancer patients, including his girlfriend who had an ovarian tumor. It was now in remission, growth abated at 12cm....huge by my standards. My largest was half that size. I was sure I was going to leave my partner......I was going to stay in Missoula, keep getting treated by Dr. Tim, heal, etc. And then, with 4 days left before returning to Minocqua, I had a dream about my partner, I realized I loved her, tremendously. Despite our differences. Blind or real love? Co-dependency? I wasn't sure, I just drew myself back to her.

It was a scary time, however, I was dealing with my own mortality right in front of my eyeballs. Not trusting at times if Dr. Tim's treatment would work, wondering if he was too on the fringe. I also got high dose Vit C IVs from Dr. Chris White, another naturopath in Missoula. Those treatments are controversial. It was my insistence that I do this, from my "research" on the web, Dr. White would not treat me at the dosages typically recommended, due to a person typically needing a catheter (at dosages of 70g plus, the veins shrink up.....hey, just like chemos!!). The highest dosage I got was around 35g, and they made me feel better, but something I did during those 3 weeks in Missoula turned me into an orange. Partner told me a few days after I returned that she had been shocked to see how orange my skin was.......

I bought a scaled down version of Dr. Binder's light beam generator machine and used it at home. I took short term disability so that I could focus on my healing. I did it all, acupuncture, reiki, reading Abraham books, searching the internet for more treatment options, how to eat, ordering books from Amazon almost every week, to the point where one day I realized I was not resting....I was busy almost non-stop, almost as exhausting as when I was treating patients. I had to cut back, I had to do something different.

Around this time, my partner began to look for a position with more money as I wasn't sure if I would be able to return to work, or how much I could work. She was being considered for a very good administrative position in a village near Green Bay. We went to her first interview. I found a local alternative newspaper, opened it and read about a woman who would be giving a talk in a few days at a space called Beacon House. The woman was Efrat Livney, from Madison, WI. She had had stage 4 cancer, ovarian cancer, and healed herself from it. I wouldn't be in town for the talk, so I looked her up on the 'net, found her website, and gave her a call.

Efrat was extremely helpful, calm. She told me about her treatment from Dr. Zhengang Guo, L.Ac., Ton Shen Health, a master chinese herbalist in Chicago. (Note: I found out a few months ago that Efrat had opted to have surgery and participate in a chemo clinical trial during her work with Dr. Guo). I read about him on his website (, felt this connection to him, called up the office, and was able to get an appointment THAT Sunday (the day I was scheduled to arrive at Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Zion, IL, to start investigating the "integrative approach" despite Dr. Tim's warnings that it would be no different than the allopathic route.....).

Dr. Guo is a quiet, small, kind man. After reading my health history, and doing his pulse diagnosis, looking at my face, tongue, fingers, he told me he would try to help me, but wouldn't promise anything. He was upset that I hadn't come in to see him 10 years ago....well, I just had to let that one go. He gave me herbs, cookies with herbs in them, a reishi and black tea, and a green tea, and told me "come back in 1 month if no feel better, otherwise 2 months if feel good."