Burnout and Rebirth

I am two weeks into a 4 week leave of absence.....I hit my bottom over two weeks ago at work, and could not take one more demand on my energy there. It was scary, I knew I needed to take a break NOW. At first I took one week off, spent two days at home, two days then at the St. Norbert Abbey, one day at someone's house (thinking I needed to be around someone......no, I did not, I found out), then went back to the Abbey. I came home and called work the next day to say I needed more time off. Dr. Aldrich also agreed with me, and I changed my paperwork for 4 weeks of full time medical leave. It has been a week now, and this morning I woke up feeling like I was turning the corner.

Two days ago, I spent time with Debra Eberhardy, of Sacred Medicine in Schofield, WI. She was the woman who did soul retrieval work with me in August of 2007, literally saved my life. Well, she did it again! She assisted me on a journey to the other side, and into the underworld, in native american healing fashion. As I began to let go (that was hard, I was so much in my head, so fearful of experiencing the intense sedation I had during a healing touch session a month ago which made me very groggy), Debra was able to gently let me know that everything was ok, reminding me that she was there, I was protected. I heard the words emanate from inside me "chinese medicine will protect you...." Then she showed me the way into the underworld and there I met Silver Bear, my spirit guide. Debra and I communicated gently during the process, and I saw that my spirit had left me when my mother died. Debra retrieved my soul and blew it back into my belly and my head. I felt a release of the noose around my heart. I cried and cried the pain of mom's death, until I was able to sense I had let it go, finally.

The next piece of information that came to me was that I needed to re-address the goal I had of learning chinese medicine. I had the sense that I was to go east for school.....New England came up for me. I was aware of the New England School of Acupuncture outside of Boston, and we talked about that.....Debra had the strong sense that I needed to follow this intuition. I asked my spirit "when do I move and start this process?" I heard and saw "NOW!!!!" Very, very strong.

I got off the table and felt renewed, no heart pain, no fatigue. Settled. Ready to take the next step. My spirit guide is now with me, and I connect in with Silver Bear throughout the day, honor Silver Bear at meal times, and make tobacco ties to send my prayers to the spirit world.

Debra is studying chinese medicine at Midwest school of Acupuncture in Racine. She travels the 5-6 hours down there and back every week, and has been doing this for almost 2 years now. I was at her home for a woman's ceremony/lodge in December 2007, to do my own letting go ceremony of my relationship with D, when she first told me she was studying. I got IRATE!!! It was explosive, I felt this intense "NO!!! I am supposed to be doing that!!!! You are native american, this is not your medicine!!!" Funny to hear that from a midwesterner.....how am I any more qualified? I made some intensely rude remark to her and left the table. It wasn't until later, after I got home that I was able to talk to her about this, to apologize to her. But, I still didn't get the message that I needed to go back to school. I was too much into self-preservation mode as D and I crashed our way through our breakup.

At this session with Debra, she talked about September of 2007, when D and I went to her for a sweat lodge.....for my healing, but it also evolved into ceremony for D and her ancestry with the Lenae Lenape, embracing her grandfather, and to take in her step-sister's spirit to safeguard it as Nancy traveled (she had committed suicide the previous June). Then she told me about how D and I had given her a white bear pelt. Bear is the totem animal for healers. Two weeks later, she was attending the school in Racine. She said it was her honor to now pass on Silver Bear to me, because it is my turn to go learn. We both felt embraced by Spirit, aware that the world was in order.

My shaman brother Dale was with me again on this journey to Schofield. I love him so much.....he is an avatar, a healer, full of so much love! When I told him what transpired, and that I needed to go east to school, and to do it soon, he was initially concerned. I asked him to believe in me, and asked for his coaching, because he is really good at that. Soon, he was coming up with phrases for me to think of:

"winners keep their head in the game"

"know thyself, look inward"

"believe in myself!"

"everyone has the potential to be great, you just have to expect, demand it of yourself"

and my favorite "I am making myself a topnotch healer by putting more tools into my bag."

When I got home later that afternoon, I began looking up the New England School of Acupuncture.....I saw that the term began August 27th....my spirit said, "no that is too soon." So, I did a search on other schools in the northeast.....and, wow, one stood out in neon lights:

New York Chiropractic College's Finger Lakes School of Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. Master's in Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. 3 years. Term starts September 9th. The campus is on a big lake. The campus health center is staffed by chiropractors and acupuncturists. It is 50 miles from Nancy's, located in Seneca Falls, at the northern edge of Lake Cayoga. Months ago, when I was lamenting to my sister (who lives in Fairport, NY) that I really, really needed to get out of Green Bay, she wrote back to me and said "you know, there are some really neat places around here...around the Finger Lakes..." A few weeks ago, I began to have the feeling that she was calling me to come there. At the time, in my desperately downward spiraling situation, all I could feel was "if I go there, it is because I am dying and I need to be at her place." It felt like throwing in the towel, the last straw. My propensity for initial negativity.

Nope, she was calling me, alerting me to what was possible, potent for me in Upstate New York. There was also something familiar to me about the program. I wrote to Chris Lowthert, DC, my GNM friend, and he wrote back, confirming that this was where he did his chiropractic work! He said it was a beautiful campus, and a good program, and that I would love living in the area.

The next morning I called both NESA and NYCC, leaving a message at NESA, but directly connecting to Kyung Brown, Admissions counselor at NYCC. She and I talked for quite a while, there was still room for me in the fall program, there was time to get everything in place to start in September, financial aid would be available to cover the entire program if needed, housing, testing out of western sciences......It felt so right! I jumped in on FAFSA, my transcripts, the application, the recommendation letters.

NESA called me back later that morning, but it still did not feel like the right fit.

Later that morning I called Debra, she was so happy for me! She also said that she had said prayers for me last night, that everything would go smoothly, easily, and I would find the right program. "It is supposed to be easy" Vimala John Nemick said to me last year. He was referring to relationships, but it applies to any endeavor. Easy yet with its own travails, hard work but because it comes from the heart, it doesn't feel like a burden.

I refer you dear readers to Domo Geshe Rinpoche's blog http://satisfiedbuddhist.blogspot.com/. She is Ann-Marie's teacher. Today's post just happened to be about burnout........

Blessings to all. And, one last parting note from The Universe (just came today):

Look at it like this, Mariah, the more challenging your life story has been so far, the bigger the goose bumps for future generations who retell it to their kids. Who will no doubt add, "And if Mariah Peterson was able to do all that, so can you!"

We've barely just begun - 
    The Universe

Thoughts from today......

This is an email I sent to my healing partner and friend, Ann-Marie

Ann-Marie, your phone call was a gift from heaven! I went to sleep with the words "my body WANTS to heal" running through my mind, psyche. I slept 10 hours, and woke up without the abdominal discomfort or anxiety. I also think Dr. Guo must have done some qigong to push things along...or I just trust him that much.

You and I, we are healing together.....we are healing buddies. It is fascinating watching how things are moving along.....Thursday I called my friend in Hawaii with whom I have been doing "masterminding" and told her it wasn't the right fit now and I still wanted to keep in touch, her reply was that she was just doing it for me...that's why it didn't click, it wasn't a mutual commitment. Then the reflective listening buddy call cracked open my story around anxiety. Then last night with you and Guo. Waking up to this lotustarot card of the week in my email inbox. Then my sister calling before 8am, she never does that....I told her about how well I slept, you, Guo....she was very happy, also for you, she asked how the session with Guo was for you, she was glad.

Supporting each other is the most important thing right now....keeping each other's spirit uplifted and mind centered on health. I think about that story of the woman with multiple personality, breaking her leg, and another personality getting off the ER bed and walking away without any injury. I am now in my health personality.......maybe it is time for a new name, LOL!!!

Here is the Taurus (that's me...May 3rd) week ahead horoscope from Jonathon Cainer:
Your Week Ahead: Have faith in the future. It belongs to you and it is getting ready now, to welcome you with open arms. Have faith in yourself. You belong to yourself and you deserve the very best you can give yourself! If something now seems wrong or awkward, ask yourself why you are allowing it to become such a dominating factor in your life? In what way are you clinging to a part of the past that you ought to leave behind? There's nothing but hope and happiness ahead of you. To get to it, just drop yesterday's redundant dream and embrace tomorrow's inspiring vision. It's not an escapist fantasy. It's the real way forward.

Fits, doesn't it?

love you, Mariah

Gazing at a star-studded night sky is a truly beautiful and
hypnotic experience.

There is a magic and wonder about the stars and many of us
are familiar with the phrase ‘wish upon a star’.

What would you wish for right now? If you were to wish for
it, would you believe it could ever come true?

I wanted to share with you the magic I have experienced by
focusing on The Star card when it has come up in my
readings.

Wishing upon a star is at the heart of The Star card’s
meaning. It is a card of optimism, hope and unexpected
gifts. When this magical card comes up in a reading for
you it heralds a time of more positive opportunities and
happy outcomes.

This card is welcome almost anywhere in a reading as it is
a good indication that your wishes will be fulfilled,
sometimes not always as you would expect, and this card can
bring one or more unexpected gifts your way.

When it appears it can mean you are being too negative or
pessimistic, and it encourages you to have more hope and
optimism in your heart and mind, which is why I asked the
question earlier – 'if you did make a wish, would you
believe it could come true?'

I have wished upon The Star card many times and my
spirits always lift when it appears in my readings. I
recall in early spring of 2002 making a wish to be
given an opportunity to work with the Tarot with as many
people as possible, sharing a gift that was mutually
beneficial for my clients and myself.

It was a big dream and a big wish for at that time I
couldn’t see how I could achieve it, but I did BELIEVE I
would. Then in May of 2002, I met David, the talented
webmaster of Lotus Tarot, and as they say, the rest is
history :-)

The Star card has been a frequent feature in my readings
for most of the last year and I know why: because I have
received so many unexpected surprises and gifts, not just
in money and material things, but also friendships and
love.

If you haven’t taken much notice of this card before, look
out for it now, and when it comes up, make your wish!!
Remember, a wish made with hope and belief can bring so much
more power and magic to it.

Freedom is an inside job

Yesterday, my friend Ann-Marie and I, along with my brother Dale, had gone down to Dr. Guo's office for appointments. For the past week plus, I have been having intense heart palpitations and angina, gall bladder pain (the energy of frustation sets off the gall bladder) and two days earlier had had a stressful situation at work which in the past would not have bothered me much at all....I was panicked and called my boss to say I was going to take off for a week, I feared for my existence at that moment. She was frantic that I had never gone to a cardiologist to get my heart checked out (I told her that I did not respect them and did not want to be evaluated, but relented and made an appointment with my MD who I at least trust much more because she respects and listens to me).

For Ann-Marie, she had developed a breast lump (ductal, in healing phase) about a month ago, and felt she needed to get allopathic diagnostics....which also revealed skin cancer patches in various parts of her body. She has had PET scans, CT scans, and the typical sit-down to discuss the results "Ok, take a deep breath...I am so sorry to have to tell you this........" She also was moved to set up an appointment with Dr. Guo, after asking me about my experiences with him. 30 minutes prior to our leaving for Chicago, she returned the message, and was told that the MD wanted to do a brain scan to determine what type of chemotherapy would be best for her. I was pretty calm about it, I had the sense that all was well, and so did she. Later that afternoon, she came out of Dr. Guo's office beaming, relieved, and anchored in respect for Dr. Guo's life-affirming herbal work and personal demeanor as well as how much German New Medicine makes sense and teaches us to have faith in the health process of our body.

Here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Ann-Marie this morning:

Ann-Marie, yesterday was a miraculous day. Starting with feeling so exhausted and my heart in turmoil literally and figuratively, having to concentrate so hard to stay here on this earth and away from the "Dark Side" of negativity while Dale drove me down to your place, my brother's compassion and love sustaining me. Picking up the phone at your place and taking the message from the oncologist Dr. Maul (I laughed driving home remembering his name....kinda interesting message, don't you think? It is like the dentist named Dr. Caries or Dr. Payne), watching you deal so gracefully with the information, noticing that I wasn't freaked out at all by the call....GNM sinking in. Your teachings to me (The Bridge technique, having the power within to heal versus giving that power over to others, friendship, laughter, acceptance). Dr. Guo's mastery, both with herbs and his choice of words. Being able to love what is, understanding why I was in Green Bay.

As Dale and I got closer to Green Bay, the heart palpitations started to come back somewhat.....I looked at it and realized I had started to worry....worry about my life in Green Bay, my work, where to live, etc. I reflected on how peaceful I felt at Guo's, driving back to your place, leaving Thiensville, and realized that the peace was always there for me, it was my worry, and typically the mad dash to "find the right thing" which blocks it. My pattern, and immediately after feeling the heart stuff, I would put it back onto that particular situation "oh, I must have this..." or "I must move here...." etc. Addicted to things outside of myself. And, it dawned on me, too, that I typically make my decisions based on if it made my heart excited, instead of calm. I felt the freedom, that I have always had choices, it was up to me to make them and honor them. I was able to see how the little apartment I am in has been a freedom, a choice, it gave me an inexpensive, reliable, safe place from which to move out of D's life. My job....it has given me the money to survive, thrive, be treated by Guo, it has shown me that I am a good therapist, it has given me the chance to get along well with co-workers. Green Bay.....it is a straight shot to Guo's on I-43. I am closer to my brother and have been blessed by his love and connection. I found German New Medicine and have been connected with life- and faith-affirming new friends.

I watched an episode of 30 Rock a couple of weeks ago....where Jack is in the hospital because of heart palpitations......his cranky mother is there, he is hooked up to a heart monitor, she starts to notice that some questions she asked him made his heart rate go up, others would settle it down....so she started asking him if he loved his fiancee....heart rate went up.....did he love his mother.....heart rate went down......did he want to marry his fiancee....he said yes but heart rate went way up.....was Liz his friend......heart rate went down.... The light went on in Jack's head....... Hmm, there's a message here for me, too....and yesterday sunk it in for me. I slept a solid night and woke up refreshed for the first time in almost a month.

Addicted to things outside of myself, addicted to excitement. Expecting fulfillment from things, moves, people.......which really are not the source of happiness, health and well-being.

Got up this morning, and in my email inbox was someone wanting to buy my bikes (although it looks like a spammer....will see if they respond), and another email giving me inspiration as to how I might be able to sell my Light Beam Generator machine.

Funny how stuff like that happens, when the light goes on and the door opens.......

The truth is slowly being revealed in the "fight against cancer"

July 9th, msn.com had a report on a study done in Copehagen at the Nordic Cochrane Centre, analyzing breast cancer trends at least seven years before and after government-run screening programs for breast cancer started in parts of Australia, Britain, Canada, Norway and Sweden.

The authors found that overall, one third of the women identified as having breast cancer didn't actually need to be treated.

Their report stated "Some cancers never cause symptoms or death, and can grow too slowly to ever affect patients," "or the cancer will grow so slowly that the patient will die of other causes before it produces symptoms, or it may remain dormant over the years or even shrink." And "Experts said overtreatment occurs wherever there is widespread cancer screening, including the U.S."

Because doctors have no idea whether the cancer will be lethal or harmless, they tend to treat all patients diagnosed with a tumor. But cancer treatment, using powerful drugs, radiotherapy or surgery, causes harm.

Britain was smart enough, and possibly humanitarian enough, to stop using their breast cancer screening pamphlet, when critics complained that it did not explain the overtreatment problem.

The article on msn.com added this quote:, "Mammography is one of medicine's 'close calls,' ... where different people in the same situation might reasonably make different choices," wrote H. Gilbert Welch of VA Outcomes Group and the Dartmouth Institute for Health Policy and Research, in an accompanying editorial in the BMJ. "Mammography undoubtedly helps some women but hurts others."

And, this from Canada:

Marianne Tonnelier of Quebec filed a class action lawsuit on behalf of all women diagnosed with breast cancer in Quebec who tested negative for the biological marker that would lead to a prescription of Herceptin. Her concern is that women were misdiagnosed via lab tests, and so, missed out on "appropriate treatment" (my quotation marks). The article cites a government study where breast tissue samples were tested in a reliable lab, and then the samples were sent out to other testing centers:

- Fifteen to 20 per cent of the hormone receptor tests got the wrong result.

- Thirty per cent of tests looking for the HER2 protein were wrong. (The test is used to determine which chemotherapy treatment is best.)

Unfortunately, the government's response is to re-test some breast cancer patients "to ensure they're getting the correct treatment."

Lately, a US study was published showing that 25% of life-threatening test results never got relayed to the patient (which may be a good thing, in actuality.....but it shows how much our medical system is unable to meet the needs of the people).

Tip of the iceberg here....testing is not accurate, overtreatment happens, psychological harm is done. Instead of stepping back and taking a clear look at cancer, applying the biological laws, officials just keep throwing more fuel onto the fire, and when it gets big and hot enough, they take squirt guns to try to put it out. Our medical system is lost, run by business concerns mostly, and does not prevent ill health, it only identifies it and then makes people more sick via their treatment options.

Healing Phase of Pleura/chest attack Conflict

Shortly around the time of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett's death, in coming to realize more my fears around health, I began having more of the symptoms that the pleura was healing.....burning under the sternum, a slight cough, fatigue, warm hands and feet, good appetite, depending on how well I rested myself. I contacted Dr. Guo, who sent me herbs to balance this, talked with my GNM counselor, and relaxed.

It is amazing to me to watch the healing process happen. It unfolds every time in a manner that makes sense to me. And, when I relax through the symptoms, ice my head, take my herbs, stay calm as best as I can, the symptoms dissipate. And, I am left with a sense of more strength. Physically, mentally, spiritually.