Saturday, May 30, 2009

The goddess, the heroine who lives in us all...

A chat on Facebook with friend DeAndria...

I had a dream last night that Rachel Maddow and I spent time together one day, just hanging out, having breakfast at a groovy breakfast spot in Northampton, MA, browsing through a neat knickknack store, lazying in the sun on a wooden rowboat in a nearby pond. By the day's end, she was very emotional, was at a loss for words in describing how much she was in love with me....I woke up with this wonderful feeling, knowing that was me.....I have gotten through a very difficult time, let go of big stuff, and Rachel Maddow-in-me is my reward....she was waiting there all the time....

Rachel Maddow is hot! What a nice revelation huh?

yeah.....I am hot! She is hot! You are hot! We all are hot!



Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The heart knows....

I realized this today that I stopped dreaming. Day dreaming with purpose about my life. Something I used to do all the time. What I have been doing the past 2 + years has been focusing on "not dying." I have wanted to get out of Green Bay, go live somewhere else, make this growing and unique body of knowledge (self-healing, Health Works) into something that gets the message out to people. But, no living technicolor, just fear-based.

I looked at pictures of Boulder, CO just as I was aware of this loss in my I purposely looked at images, and imagined myself in them....feeling what it is like to live in a new area, feeling excitement, new life, new purpose, joy at meeting new people, the fun of hanging out downtown, sipping tea, talking with new and old friends. IT FELT FANTASTIC!!!! Welcome home, Mariah's heart.

I had my bimonthly telephone meeting with Dr. Cropley today. We talked about my message, what is holding me back....I know what it is.....not connecting with my heart, to myself and to others. Power over, control. I lived with someone who was a control addict, one of my closest friends is a control nut, my boss is a control freak. All mirrors for my controlling and power-over way of treating myself and others.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Northwoods, part two

I turn my attention to what feels like really low energy....I was woken up at 3am by the filter system doing its nightly maintenance, and I slept in the basement instead of in the comfy guest bedroom. I am typically way tired on Saturdays, anyway, and yesterday was a day of drinking decaf (swiss water process, of course) coffee which is really a rarity for me(Dr. Guo frowns on coffee, says it is stagnating and not good for those in healing process...), getting on the road, driving the slower yet very scenic route, Highway 55 along the Wolf River, and then coming to Sue's to be taken over by the girls.

I wrote this while on the dock...."How do I stop equating low energy, change of energy/groundedness with depression? Seek out, find the spark of Love, Joy inside of me. Hold it carefully, nurture it, be gentle, show this in my interactions with others."

Tears came to me, right after writing this. I had the sense of burden, the energy it takes sometimes to maintain, the grief of letting go. Not only did I have the things I described above, there was also coming to Sue's and seeing furniture which had belonged to my former partner and I...she sold items to Sue and Andy before moving east. Yesterday, when I walked in and saw the couch set and wood desk, there was both a sense of grief, and a willingness to be happy for my friends' that the furniture fit for them. Both of her daughters individually, accidentally called me by my ex's name. I woke up to see one of "our" posters hanging in front of me. So many memories....

I cry. No words. Just crying. Mason comes over, and just stands in front of me....I reach out and hug him, accept his connection, put my hand on his chest and feel his love. He then turns and moves on to the other side of the dock "all is well, love is everywhere, do not worry." And, I once again accept my tears as just another way to let go (as I would easily do as a kid....), to stop holding on so much, trying to control and appear in control, to just Be, in the moment, whatever is called for.

My energy improves. A sense of rightness in my world, the Universe, comes over me. I hear the organic strawberries in the fridge calling for me......

The Northwoods

I am in the Minocqua, WI area this Memorial Day holiday....I have 4 glorious days to do as I please, thanks to my dear friend Sue who opens her home to the people in her life. I am most appreciative for her generosity.

Before going outside, I was curious about what the New Moon today signified, so I asked Sue to fire up her PC (it is so old that everytime I type in a new website address and hit return, the computer does this loud, gearing up kinda roar...I am waiting for it to blow up "no, stop, too much already" it seems to be saying, or "these websites are so odd, why are you asking me to go there?"). I find that this one is in Gemini, which governs the mind and thought processes, so it is about communications or community matters. It is also Mercury Retrograde, ooohhh, that trickster on communications. So, work on clearing negativity, reclaim one's mental space and look at what gets our attention...what things does one need to put limits on? Brainstorm, consider what you want to build, but don't jump into action until after May 30th (purists may say, though, that M.R. is felt all the way yet until June 15th). There is also a triple conjunction of Chiron (the wounded healer), Neptune and Jupiter from May 20th to June 10th, asking us to heal spiritual wounds, look for new support from peers, spiritual/healing groups, reach out and share one's inner strength/truth with others, heal from the illusion that we are separate from each other and issues related to taking on power in the world.

Yup, I see it happening, it's falling into place. Today's lesson for me is about allowing what is naturally there to be there, let life unfold, and know that all is well and provided.

I was sitting on the dock earlier today, at VanderCook Lake, staying at my friends' amazing home in the woods, a calmness surrounds and pervades the home and the land it is on. The girls add this joie de vivre that adults don't touch anymore. Mason, the german shephard, stays with me while the others are out. There is my pick of canoe/numerous kayaks ("One can never have too many non-motorized outdoor gear" as said by Dudley Improta, Mr. U of MT Rec Dept head and self-annointed gearhead) on the beach, it's a bluebird blue sky day, a slight breeze at my back, it's sooo quiet, trees are green, now and then an owl hoots or a woodpecker drums on a tree or a fish strikes at a lakefly on the water's surface. The wind chimes give resonance to the wind. Various birds chirp in symphony.

My energy level, my body reminds me to let go, to relax, no need for doing anything more than BE. Accept. Be totally here. I love my life, and when I get out of the pitty party, all I see is cause for rejoicing.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

My heart, the weathervane, the messenger

My heart feels normal now. I am not having the dragged out feeling in my chest, body anymore. There have been times in the past 2 weeks where I do notice the little flutters now and then, and I can see that I am pushing myself, typically mentally or emotionally. It came up for me two days ago when out fishing with friends. After being on the boat for about 30 minutes that morning, I was nervous about how to relate to the two women I was with, the wind was picking up, and I was relating it to my exhausting ferry ride over to WA Island last Saturday, so I worried if I would be able to make it sitting on this boat, with my heart fluttering, some panic setting in. A few scenarios flashed through my mind, what to do if it gets worse kind of thing, until I became aware of what I was doing and stopped myself from "awfulizing" the situation. I relaxed into just being in the moment, being on the boat, soaking up the sun, knowing that it was only my focus on fear which was making me afraid. Later on, as we were boating along (and fast, Sally has a need for speed) and this time I was enjoying it, it dawned on me how much anxiety has been a constant in my life...little niggly doubts, worries, degrading self-talk, what-ifs, stuff like that. I was aware that, in the past, I would have these physical sensations of heart fluttering, tension, jaw clenching, vacant feeling in my chest coupled with the worrying. I hadn't been so aware of what was going on in my body, however, as I was paying sooo much attention to what was going on in my head....all the conditioned thought, worry were paramount. A sense of peace came over me.....I didn't need to focus on those thoughts anymore....something heart stopped fluttering.....I now know what peace within myself feels like. No amount of worrying will get me to a place of peace, it comes from letting go and going to my Nature. I am complete. My nature is that of peace.

There are a number of vehicles which help me to come to this realization over and over again....zen meditation, and German New Medicine. GNM has taught me that heart palpitations are due to overwhelm, manifest during healing phase, and that rationally looking at the experience I am having helps to clear up the conflict. Zen and meditation has given me the tools to look at and see these experiences as what the mind makes up, that ultimately they are not real, only the conditioning of the mind to react. To see that the emperor is not really wearing any clothes!

The mind's sole purpose in the lower vertebrates is to protect, assure survival, basically as an instinct. However, being vertebrates with a much greater grey matter development, with the ability to think and adjust our behaviors, override instincts, we develop this disconnect from what is truly dangerous. The self takes messages, and from conditioning by those around us, society, we learn to "over-react" and think that the message from the brain is true. When 99% of the time it is not really happening. We lose the ability to make the distinction between what truly is life-threatening and what is just the ego/mind being threatened of its existence. The ego is such a drama queen, a prima donna and a does not want to be told what to do, especially shushed and relegated to a lesser role. It thinks it is dominant, in charge and fully capable, when, in reality, it has NO POWER, only what we give it. It does feel like a death going through changes, because the ego does not want to die. Learning to see the ego for what it is dissolves the hold it has on us. Then, one can rely more and more on Awareness, which is the Still Small Voice, Instinct, Intuition, Higher Self, Buddha Nature.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

"Farrah's Story" message

Have you had the chance to watch "Farrah's Story" yet? Pretty intense. No, not pretty.....immensely intense. I wonder if any of the people watching caught the two times during the filming where we saw the healing process working, but then was wiped away? At the beginning, and then before her "re-diagnosis" -- it was there in full color digital......she was healthy and active and feeling good, despite perhaps some fatigue. She goes into the MDs at both of these times (the second for her "check-up"), and is told "you have cancer....." She goes from healthy and vibrant to a puddle of shock and grief and panic immediately. And, the conditioned response in this culture? Run to the allopathic treatments. She gets sooo sick from these. At the end of the story, we are left in IS she now? Is she dying? Will she come out of it?

Cancer is not a death sentence. In most cases, tumors arise during healing phase. Farrah's tumors were anal and liver.....what I don't know is if it was liver bile ducts which are ectoderm origin, (and tumors appear during healing phase) or if they were in the parenchyma (body of the liver), this is endoderm origin, and tumors appear during conflict active phase. Anal is ectoderm origin, and thus tumors occur during healing phase, after resolution of conflict.

As most of us going through cancer know, or come to admit, we have or had the tendency to be in conflict, often. It seems to be our nature, to take on conflict, to be more susceptible to it, to not know how to get out of it. One author referred to a new personality type -- Type C -- cancer-type. Look at the people you know who have had cancer, or if you are one with cancer, look to yourself, can you identify this tendency?

I do not glorify the documentary. My hope is that people will see through the craziness of it and go "why are we doing this to people?"

Apparently there were more to the original video but was edited out by NBC.....discussions about the lack of FDA approval of European techniques, use of alternative approaches, the high cost of treatments in this country.

It is a fact....people who don't have money/insurance and so opt out of any or more aggressive treatments.....actually live way better or beyond the 5 years. Our medical regime does not keep statistics on people who decide not to do their treatments....because it would blow their numbers out of the water. It is a fact.....people institutionalized in psychiatric hospitals and prisons have cancer rates far BELOW the general population rates.....why? because of their psychiatric and living conditions, they typically do not have the existence conflicts we in the general population experience, and these marginalized people are put further down on the list for receiving complete treatments as someone with insurance or is a notable figure would go after.

A big message.....if it makes you more sick, how is that good for you? If someone gives you food which makes you throw up, would you go and ask for another helping? No. So, why do we put up with that from the medical system? With my chinese herbal treatments....everytime I have a new symptom (which is part of the law of cure....the body reveals another layer of insult to be healed), and Dr. Guo changes the herbs in order to balance out the condition, I will feel an increase in the symptom for about 15 to 60 minutes, and then, poof, it is gone, literally vamos! That is what true healing is about.....working through the insults, the imbalances, and doing so in a gentle way that the body and psyche can handle it. I no longer have asthma, I can tolerate more wheat in my diet, and my sleep is sooo much better now. I don't have the jaundice I had 2 years ago. I look healthier, I think more healthy thoughts without it being a chore. I am just plain healthier. And happier. I remarked to Dr. CJ, my chiropractor who does NET (Neuro-Emotional Technique), "I feel normal today." I haven't felt normal since.....I want to say November 2007, yet this is a normal I haven't experienced in longer than that....calm energy, calm mind, content, healthy feeling body, no noticeable discomforts from any internal organs. I am healthy.

What is the real message to this documentary? Farrah, Alana, Ryan and the other Angels talk over and over about "the horrible disease of cancer" and how it must be fought, and battled. I don't see that as the message at all. As I see it, the message is "run like hell from allopathic prognoses and treatments." Farrah is a messenger to us all, unfortunately she is going through horrendous conditions. But, don't mistake their words as valid.....look to what is ACTUALLY occurring.....does getting more and more sick equal health? No. If we look beyond their grief, the conditioning, what we see is someone who may be giving their life in service to the greater send the message "this is what allopathic treatment does to people." Please think twice, and think with clarity, not with fear. Your body knows what will make it healthy.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Pay Attention to the messages....

"Act with faith, Mariah. Prepare the way for your inevitable success. To the degree you can, behave as if your dreams have already come true, as if you already owned a iMac, as if later today you were going to regain a strong heart and be physically active. And you shall see the power you wield as the floodgates begin to tremble, the elements begin to conspire, people in your life begin to change, insights are summoned, comprehensions soar, and clarity is born.
Not to mention fierce, wild animals laying down when you pass by - "
The Universe (from Mike Dooley's website)

I received this two days ago. As I began to read it, I knew from my heart, gut this was something to pay attention to...."as if you already owned a iMac..." Ok, I now do own one. After desiring one for a long time, my Acer laptop just was not cutting it anymore, it was so loaded with background programs running that it would take 5 minutes to boot up. I rationalized it for months, "well, while it is loading, I will meditate. While the new page is loading, I will take deep breaths..." Finally, one day in April, while talking with Cynthia Lamb (amazing woman, spiritual counselor from LA), she said to me "come on, Mariah, you manifest things all the time, and from what I know of you, very easily. Why are you holding back on the iMac?" Yeah. My federal tax return arrived a day later, with more money in it than the figure I had arrived, I went down to Best Buy, followed my bliss, stimulated the economy, and bought my iMac. The speed of it, the creative format of the platform, wow, I am very content with it. Having the iMac is what pushed me to commit to this blog, to writing, exploring this vein of information I live and teach to myself and people who listen.

Back to The Universe's message from Tuesday...."as if later today you were going to regain a strong heart and be physically active." Hmmm, this message is getting even more personable. I could see the iMac pertaining to many who get the daily message, no big deal there. But, this part.....the heart. I have been struggling since August with heart palpitations, anxiety, low energy. I have not been able to tolerate movement beyond a gentle dose of qigong, and even that my body did not want to do more than 2 days in a row. I have been a slug for quite a while. Work has been difficult, I have had to cut back on hours so that I could rest more. I have been doing less manual therapy techniques on clients, as exertion with my arms would make my heart go into palpitations. Both of these have been good for me, though. My heart has been my teacher, my weathervane, about how much I was not paying attention to my emotions, it would tell me when I would be doubting on a deeper level what I was doing with a client/where my motivation, intentions were coming from, and it would show me how filling my heart with love would act as a protectant....this would slow me down, get me into a place of letting my treatment decisions come from both my heart and brain, instead of 'shoulds'. I was aware, and others had pointed out to me in the past, that I really put way too much effort into my work, trying to 'do it all' and 'to do it all at once.' I have been learning through my heart to trust, to let my treatments be more simple, to give the patient time to ingest the message, to let Spirit guide my hands to the areas which really would need a gentle manual technique. And, the time off was allowing me to focus on my blogging.

But, 9 months, to learn this lesson? How long would this go on? I received last week the results of blood tests I had done earlier with Dr. Peri Aldrich, MD (my cool MD, she is way into wanting the patient to be in charge of their health, listens to her first appointment was oh, over an hour, we talked mostly about my path, my health, my needs!!). My calcium level was below normal (I have always been on the low side, but this was the second time I had it below...first was in 1996 in the interval between my surgery and my mom's diagnosis). Dr. Meyer addressed it by muscle testing me and finding that a Standard Process whole food supplement Cataplex F was called for...this helps with calcium metabolism....I started taking it last Friday. The weekend was its typical down energy recuperating from the week of work, Monday I noticed I felt better at work. Monday night I did not have the 'bump-bump-bump' heavy beating of my heart during the night. Then I read The Universe's message...."could I be getting over this heart stuff?" Yesterday at work.....I remarked to my co-worker "Renee....I feel NORMAL heart has been quiet, not jumping out of my chest or racing." I had a busy day, and while I was not able to take a rest break at work because of the schedule, I was much more aware of relaxing in my sessions with clients, during our meeting, and when I got home. This morning, as I laid in bed, my heart felt relaxed. So....I have regained a strong heart.....and I trust that I will be physically active again, only this time, in a manner which is driven by my needs, not my competitive, angst-driven manner of the past.

"And you shall see the power you wield as the floodgates begin to tremble, the elements begin to conspire, people in your life begin to change, insights are summoned, comprehensions soar, and clarity is born.
Not to mention fierce, wild animals laying down when you pass by -" I am in this place of trusting, relaxing, no expectations, just watching for what may come next. No attachment, only enjoying each moment.

As I write this, I realize the birthing message behind this. 9 months.

"The greatest protection is a loving heart. Protecting yourself, you protect others. Protecting others, you protect yourself."
- The Buddha

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


"Do you think the main reason people don't visualize is because it's too hard or because it's too easy?"
~ Mike Dooley

Back in 1990, during the time I studied T'ai Chi at Pacific School of T'ai Chi with Chris Luth, I took a course called "Technologies for Creating." The major premise is that the act of creating is really a process of physics: create the tension between reality and one's goal, and stand back to watch the tension resolve itself towards the goal, most often times in ways wholly unimagined by the creator. Holy smokes, did it work! It worked so well, that I became afraid of it!!! Because, at the time, along with the actual result of creating, it meant to me I had to be responsible for my creations. Too much, aaaahhhhhh! I stopped using the process, and began to free form, let the chips fall where they may. Which, on some level, is all zen and good and beautiful......if you have the Awareness for it. If that is your goal. If you are willing to live with what comes your way. I am awed at some of the zen stories of masters who lived this way, in peace, knowing that, ultimately, the course of life didn't matter, it was how one lived with the course which really mattered.

I have also experienced in my life, though, the impacts of creating: because this process is inert, is really a Universal Law, it will spit out whatever you do put into it, and wow, have I ever created crazy stuff!! Lots of ego driven stuff. We get to live with what we create. That is what I meant by being responsible for one's creations. Taking ownership, acknowledging 100% responsibility for what your thinking, desiring created. Little by little, if one pays attention, you can start seeing patterns, what flows better for you, what doesn't, what feels like your deepest drumbeat, versus what is more like the cacophanous sound of the masses.

So, you know what? It is your choice how you are going to create. Try one way, then try the other. See which one suits you better, or use both, depending on the situation. Just know that, one way or another, there is a responsibility within you to attend to what you create.

Friend and fellow German New Medicine (GNM) student Ann-Marie was visiting this weekend, and we spent the time just in free-form discussions, following the threads of interests, insights and intuitions. As per my custom, I took an afternoon nap. While relaxing, getting to that place of letting go, my mind was wafting over my conversations with Ann-Marie. I realized how much I think and speak at times like Eeyore....oh woe is me, I don't do this anymore, I want to get to this point, etc. It dawned on me that this is my self-devaluation conflict which has caused my lymphatic enlargements...especially the one in the hypochondric region (right at the base of the ribs in the front of the chest)...the solar's power center.....of course, explains it all. I resolved to draw my line in the sand, and separate the destructive negative thinking from who I am....which I experienced quite profoundly with Ann-Marie while we did a movement exercise expressing gratitude, courage, hope, and joy. I saw destructive on the left side of the line, and constructive on the right....the dynamic of these two mirrors the Creative Tension I spoke about earlier.

Then I hit on this combination the other day, of Dr. Cropley's integrity model (draw the line in the sand), the physical law of tension resolving itself towards the goal, and Angela Treat Lyon's discussion on how each and every one of us are the Center of the Universe....our own Universe....there is no way we can be the center of someone else's, as much as we may have tried. Together, the three of these give clarity, impetus and reality to creating. Integrity helps one understand how to figure out what is truly good, healthy and right for us. Center of the Universe concepts gives permission to own what we want for ourselves, instead of following someone else's idea of what is "right" or "spiritual", etc. And, finally, recognizing that we must be aware of those behaviors, actions which take us out of integrity, along with holding to the integrity thoughts and actions, intentions creates the tension to resolve our desire towards that of completion, embodiment, fulfillment.

1. The answers are inside of us. 2. Life will drag us along regardless of how much we fight it, so why not step back and listen, participate purposefully, and make the journey easier? and 3. Love is the guide...listen to it, believe in it, nurture it within yourself and with others.

May you have a wonderful, beautiful time creating what truly matters to you!

Namaste, Mariah

Friday, May 8, 2009

Clarity, focus, health, joy.....

Here's a great quote from Sarah Starr, a local yogini who blogs at muse, I encourage reading her posts for a glimpse into the life of another woman who is living from her Spirit:

"Without clarity I am out of integrity with myself and all others . Without it I cannot align with my passions, my service in the world or my natural connection with the flow of life. Without it contentment is stuck in the bottom drawer along with joy, peace and fun!"

Last night, my friend Sally and I listened to Charley Cropley, ND, (Boulder, CO) talk on integrity in one's health care choices....very passionate man, and very real....the bottom line: get clear on how important health is to me, how important is it for me to be happier, free of anxiety, fear, sadness, irritability and experience real sincere joy and really like who I am. Then, draw that line in the sand, and pay attention to the ways in which I partake in behaviors which go against my clarity. No judgement against myself when I step over the line, but to be aware that I also love (or, am addicted to) behaviors which go against my clarity. Love it all, and move towards what makes me feel better.

I realized right then, often times, what I do, health-wise, is motivated by fear. An underlying reaction to not wanting to be sick. Which keeps me in a state of sickness, and makes for a lot of energy loss, a blind alley kind of basis to my life. When I meditated on what I really wanted over the next 1 to 5 years (able to move/exercise at the drop of a hat, be outdoors, laugh, get back to skate/telemark skiing, canoe trips, joy in my life/work/relationships), I felt peaceful, content, wonderful. Then, when I meditated on the path I am on continuing (anxiety, low energy, fear), ugh, I saw myself being incapacitated! That did not feel good at all.

I pledge to come from the clarity, the integrity of what is most important to me for HEALTH. From the sense of certainty that there is a law governing health: good in, good out; crap in, crap out. Just as there are laws governing how my body heals, there is a law governing how my focus affects my health.

A couple more quotes:

It does no good to search frantically for peace, to seek anxiously after love or joy or freedom. If you want to find joy, do joy. If you want for there to be peace, do peace.
- Cheri Huber

You are the creator of your own reality, and so you are not in jeopardy. You do not need to control the behavior of others in order for you to thrive. Your attention to things that you think they do that keeps you from your thriving is, in fact, what keeps you from your thriving... It is not what they do to you; it's what you do to you in fear of what you think that they will do to you. - Abraham