Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Northwoods, part two

I turn my attention to what feels like really low energy....I was woken up at 3am by the filter system doing its nightly maintenance, and I slept in the basement instead of in the comfy guest bedroom. I am typically way tired on Saturdays, anyway, and yesterday was a day of drinking decaf (swiss water process, of course) coffee which is really a rarity for me(Dr. Guo frowns on coffee, says it is stagnating and not good for those in healing process...), getting on the road, driving the slower yet very scenic route, Highway 55 along the Wolf River, and then coming to Sue's to be taken over by the girls.

I wrote this while on the dock...."How do I stop equating low energy, change of energy/groundedness with depression? Seek out, find the spark of Love, Joy inside of me. Hold it carefully, nurture it, be gentle, show this in my interactions with others."

Tears came to me, right after writing this. I had the sense of burden, the energy it takes sometimes to maintain, the grief of letting go. Not only did I have the things I described above, there was also coming to Sue's and seeing furniture which had belonged to my former partner and I...she sold items to Sue and Andy before moving east. Yesterday, when I walked in and saw the couch set and wood desk, there was both a sense of grief, and a willingness to be happy for my friends' that the furniture fit for them. Both of her daughters individually, accidentally called me by my ex's name. I woke up to see one of "our" posters hanging in front of me. So many memories....

I cry. No words. Just crying. Mason comes over, and just stands in front of me....I reach out and hug him, accept his connection, put my hand on his chest and feel his love. He then turns and moves on to the other side of the dock "all is well, love is everywhere, do not worry." And, I once again accept my tears as just another way to let go (as I would easily do as a kid....), to stop holding on so much, trying to control and appear in control, to just Be, in the moment, whatever is called for.

My energy improves. A sense of rightness in my world, the Universe, comes over me. I hear the organic strawberries in the fridge calling for me......

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