Experiencing great improvement!!

It's has been a LONG time since my last post......indicative of the amount of studying we do in this program. This past week was intense, with two written assignments, a comprehensive quiz in Meridians and Points, a test in Theory, and my roommate continuing to act from a place of exhaustion and paranoia.

I made the decision two weeks ago that I would move out at the end of this trimester. No more trying to stick this out until April. It feels right to get into a better situation, I have learned my lessons with her......I find myself having compassion for her, for myself, and it is plain as the nose on my face that I have been viewing behaviors similar to those I acted on in my relationship with D. In their full force weirdness.....it has given me a sense of compassion towards what D. experienced living with me while I was very confused, tired, scared, and having grave liver issues.

I met with my advisor, Dr. Zhang, this week at the point where I was feeling unsure if I wanted to continue with the herbal portion of my degree (we have that option....acupuncture alone, or acupuncture and herbal medicine). She was very encouraging, explaining how the herbal portion is actually the majority of treatment in China, whereas in this country, acupuncture is emphasized. She also told me I had an aptitude for acupuncture/oriental medicine, and to hang in there. Nice to get that support. I went back to my herbal assignment, and found that sense of excitement, connection, again.

My intuition moved me to changing my treatment to the Seneca Falls Health Center last month to another one of my professors.....Darlene Easton....an amazing practitioner. Prior to going to her, I was struggling with the heart palpitations, easily drawn down energy. I had the sense that the student clinic/practitioner was not hitting things right with me. Darlene radically changed my herbal formula to that of working on my liver.....as the degree of phlegm accumulation/toxins in the liver were making it overwhelm the earth element, and my heart was then overworking as it wasn't being supported by the Liver. One day of the week, she and her students treat my back shu points.....acupuncture points which boost or tonify the energy of each organ....and place burning moxa on my Life Gate point (over the 2nd lumbar vertebra) to invigorate my essence or basic life force energy. The other day will be acupuncture on front body points, to address liver, heart, gallbladder, spleen issues. And more burning moxa over Stomach 36 Zu San Li or Leg 3 Li points on my lateral lower leg, to again invigorate my energy level. To build what is called Zheng qi......the Right Qi, the qi which forms the basic health and physiological functioning of my body. When this is lowered, Evil qi, Xie qi, can take over more easily......being more susceptible to external forces....wind, cold, damp, heat, dryness....and internal imbalances.

See, I am learning something here.....my body is my laboratory and teacher.....

This approach is all working very well -- I rarely have heart palpitations, and when I do they are very minor and it takes more "efforting" and tiredness to bring it up. My energy level bounces back so much more quickly and abundantly after a stressful week or situation (like, those with roommate.....). I am exercising 2x per week, much more active at school, tolerating entire days without energy crashes, and doing daily qigong, typically 30 minutes, somedays 1 to 2 hours depending on my schedule....which in itself, I experience, is also a big factor in why I am feeling better.

Sing the praises of Eastern Medicine......I would never have been able to heal like this without energy medicine, and the "no panic" mindset/understanding of the healing process from German New Medicine. In fact, I learned last week in Theory class what Dr. Guo meant when he said I would not have survived liver surgery. Liver yin, liver blood and essence from the kidneys are responsible for "anchoring" yang in the body.....keeping yin and yang in connection with each other so that each is capable of contributing their "expertise" to the body/mind/spirit. My liver was so "dried up" and lacking of yin and blood that if I had surgery, the liver would not have been able to heal properly, letting my yang lose connection with my body......which would have then created a cascade of health conditions, leading to death.

Sent chills through me......wow, my Spirit really is/was in tune with wanting to live, to stay on this planet, to heal completely. I cried and cried and cried in April 2007, a few nights after D and I went to Mayo Clinic, where the surgery option was presented to me.....I told her, in the middle of the night, crying, that I could not do the surgery, that my Spirit did not want the surgery. Chemo...hell, that would have just overwhelmed my body/energy, also...... So, I am still alive and kicking and growing and healing and loving, thanks to Spirit.

I know this is my mission, purpose in life.

Looking at Beliefs......

I had a difficult mid-week this week, after having quite a few days of feeling really grounded, normal, happy. My roommate is a 5th trimester DC student, taking 33 CREDITS!! I have been watching her spiral down into this abyss of over-tiredness, mumbling under her breath, yet her continuing to say "I function best when on the edge!!!" Well, what I was getting, however, was more and more behaviors from an unedited, uninhibited, and tired person. My typical behaviors around my internet addiction, going more and more into the "yikes, it is feeling like I am walking on eggshells here!" and feeling not good enough, as well as my judgemental attitudes about her program and her way of dealing with stress smacked right into her issues. She barked at me a few times. I could take that. Then, she called me on my cellphone to express her "anger" about feeling intruded on one morning...WHAM! I went into my belief of not being good enough and not able to step back and see the whole scenario. I lost the ability to stay present and see the entire situation for what it was. I complained to a couple of classmates.....I ran the scenarios over and over in my mind....I carped about her behaviors......

Then, I saw that this was just dragging me down. There was no point to "winning" this war with her. Our living together was getting more and more uncomfortable. I was starting to think seriously about "getting the hell out of Dodge!" Yet, a part of me knew that this was a pattern for me.....and I wanted to get through it.

I heard her say, during one of her moments of exasperation, something to the effect of worrying about her finances. Bingo....I heard that on a deeper level. This was one more stressor to her that she just could not tolerate (and perhaps was making it more of an issue with all her other stressors going on). I wanted to let her know I cared, and heard her. So, I went to P&C Market and got her a small gift certificate. I gave it to her later that evening, saying "I just wanted to apologize for my insensitivities, I see that you are going through alot!" She was surprised, said I didn't have to do that, and then gave me a hug.

There was such a different feeling in the air around/between us. We laughed with each other that night. She talked loud enough so that I could hear her.

This morning, I received in my gmail inbox a message from Steve Pavlina's "Personal Development Insights".....he introduced a fellow named Morty Lefkoe, who essentially does cognitive behavioral therapy.....helping people look at their beliefs. I went through the process for "I am not good enough." At the end, 35 minutes later, I could tell that belief was gone, or at least had a minimal impact on me.

Went to acupuncture after that. A student in my program was there for observation, and I reluctantly agreed to have her sit in on my program.......concerned that my background issues would not be respected, since I have such a different way of dealing with health. Yet, I said ok, because I knew I would be in that position next week, as an observer, and a part of me DID want my classmate to know that there are alternative ways of looking at healing. So, on we go.

As I told my story, I could feel this belief creeping into the outer layer of my consciousness.....egads, I am crazy! I am sick. I did not sleep well last night, was waking up every 2 hours, and had some palpitations and tiredness. I was letting that experience overrun me, emotionally. I became afraid.....afraid that maybe I really was dying, and was just playing a trick on myself.

I had gotten the message Tuesday (two days prior) from friend Emily that a mutual friend of ours, someone who had gone to Dr. Guo, and at some point this spring had been deemed "healthy" and "cured" from colon cancer. Yet, Emily is relaying to me now that she is in hospice and isn't expected to live much longer!!!! My initial reaction was "holy shit! Am I going to die? We both saw the same herbalist, both had the same pronouncement of health!" It didn't help that this information arrived the day my roommate was going into her dance routine as well......

Intellectually, I rationalized that "I have a different mindset, from GNM, showing me that I AM healthy." I did have an interaction with this woman (K.) this summer, and at one point in our conversation, felt compelled to ask her "are you alright?" I asked her that a number of times......and wondered, "was I projecting there? Am I the one who is not ok?" It was true that I was going through the weird and intense gallbladder pain at the time..... I wonder now if a part of me was picking up something from her.....

Had an astrology reading last night with MoonCat in Missoula.....she confirmed just how psychic I am......she told me to "control the weather....." and "bring it on, now!" when I responded to something she said in the reading that hadn't come to fruition (yet, later on, I realized it had already.....).

Where am I going with all this......oh yeah. After acupuncture, I felt much better, went on to do my workstudy job. Within 1.25 hours, I felt the heart stuff coming back....and got back into the fear mode. I hung on for another 15 minutes of work, then moved on to turn off the projectors in various rooms. My body was dragging.....I decided to respond to my body rather than "think myself through it" and push on, which is my tendency. I stretched out on an adjusting table and took a quick nap, which helped.

As I got up to finish my rooms, I remembered the process I did this morning around beliefs, and so turned the light on to what was going on for me this morning. It became clear to me that I was operating under two scary beliefs:

1. As a child, I could not fathom that I would live until the year 2000......that seemed unattainable!
2. I am kidding myself around my health issues.

As I began to look at those, and acknowledge that these where both repeated thoughts in my mind, and probably reinforced by my parents behaviors, especially my mother's, that I no longer had to believe in them. And, I popped out of the feeling weak, worrying. As I sit here typing, I am aware of healing sensations.....hunger, ready to take a short nap, relief, warmth in my feet and hands.

I do know that mindset is a HUGE aspect to the quality of one's life, and that applies to health besides prosperity, getting your soulmate, etc. I have seen myself come close to plummeting into pits of despair and extreme weakness, just from the quality of buying into negative thought. When I realize what I am doing, and turn my thinking around to that of perfection......invariably, my energy level goes back to normal. Quite normal. Able to function normally.

Amazing turnarounds, just by how I think. Vibrate.

Studying TCM

Well, as my title of today's blog notes, most of my time has been consumed by studying. Chinese Medicine is a totally different language, and concept. It is based on sages' viewing of the natural order of life.....how everything is just an aspect waxing and waning energy, nothing is static, everything is from a basic energy source, and health/disease is relative to the balance of all the constituents.....qi (energy), blood, essence, fluids, etc. Not a whiff of western physiological explanations there, either. Totally different.

What is amazing to me, though, is that TCM seems to me that it has evolved into the "integrative" model, the disease oriented model, adopting Pasteur's Germ Theory, the metatasis model, all unproven theories.....my assumption is in order to become part of the westernized business model. Especially these schools in the west.....join or fail to thrive. I do have my reservations about this, and I do find myself contemplating during classes, study how all my experiences have brought me to this moment. I look at Dr. Guo's ability to look beyond the fear of the western medicine, his "different understanding" as put by the campus health center acupuncture clinic director. I am aware of the classification of diseases into cold and hot/warm diseases, and how Dr. Hamer's GNM has shown these to be just aspects of the healing process. I wonder if TCM's roots where these categories arose had more to do with social conditions and the whether people, prior to the Warring States times, just did not survive the sympathicotonic stresses of conflict-active phase, and then perhaps with changing attitudes towards supporting the peasants (for the rulers' own good....to keep them in power), the general populace began living longer, able to resolve conflicts easier, medicine changing to help the process, and thus the "development/classification" of warm diseases.......it will be an interesting point to bring up with my theory prof.

So, my energy level is improving. I am able to exercise more regularly, albeit not an intense kind of workout as done in my past. I am aware of being more sensitive to emotional turmoil in others, and am learning to shut off my "conduit" so as not to take those energies in. I am finding it fascinating interacting with my classmates. For the most part, the group is really a great group of people. More mature, more friendly than my PT classmates as a whole. Then again, I am different....settled, not into the competition thing, much more confident and engaged in myself now. Yet, I do sense categories of people: the sheeples, the brainiacs, the timid, those who don't know themselves, the egoics, and.......a few of us who have dealt with issues around serious health and/or death. I find these categorizations in the faculty as well.

This latter group......I find these few people to be calm, much less affected by grade or status, much more willing to be loners, and, a connection with the heart is easily accessed.

An area of information which has been crossing my path alot lately is that of the Ascension........the raising of one's vibrational level in order to keep up with the changes in the Universe and our Earth. Sites I track are: http://johnsmallman.wordpress.com/ and
http://www.emergingearthangels.com/index.html

A few other places, just can't locate them right now. The basic message is: there is a lot of stuff going on right now. We are even "losing" minutes, as noted by the international scientific group that tracks the earth's rotational speed and how that creates time. The earth is spinning faster.

So, meditate. Do qigong. Rest more. Love more, especially your self! Let go of expecting things to "return to normal." We are where we are. Buckle up, people. Take away the blinders. Trust your body's wisdom.....listen!

Namaste, Mariah

Following the message

Well, LOTS has transpired since the last entry. I did indeed get accepted into Finger Lakes School of Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine, in Seneca Falls, NY. I packed up 9 boxes of books and clothes and special mementos, sold or gave away the rest of my earthly belongings, and drove out to New York with the aid of friend Kathy. My energy level, and my level of calmness improved with each day closer to New York. I told a number of friends "this feels SO right...I have no qualms at all about this move....and is the first time I have felt this comfortable with an intended move."

Here I am...in Fairport, NY right now, at my sister's home. Sleep has been variable, depending on the amount of stress for that day, or food consumption. My heart palpitations have dissipated considerably, much to my happiness. It seemed that the moving process was a help for getting me stronger. I can see how over the weeks my fitness level improved, to the point where now walking 10 to 15minutes at a time does not bother me. Stairs...I still take it easy and keep my mindset calm. I had some descending colon pain last week, which Dr. Guo relieved via increasing the DACH formula.

About 1.5 weeks before leaving, I began to visualize what I wanted for housing....I thought it would be nice to live on Lake Cayuga. A very specific scene popped into my mind....sitting in the front room, at dusk, overlooking the lake which was actually below the house level, and there were 2 trees over to the right, and a fire pit in the middle. The college sent me a listing of housing advertisements, and on a Sunday morning I started making calls, focusing on lakeside or lakeview housing. One in particular stood out, on Seneca Lake, the next lake to the west, partly because the woman was charging so little compared to others, but also because as she described it, it sounded like the scene in my mind. Then she sent me a link to the real estate ad (it had recently been taken off the listing), and, OMG....it sure looked like the vision. Needless to say, I felt very drawn to the potential.

I arranged to drive over and see her place last night, and since I was driving back from Albany (dropped off Kathy at the PineHaven B&B, where Doug was arriving so that they could have a family reunion with daughter Brynne and her fiance Bronson), she offered to let me stay overnight. She also had called me earlier to say that another woman had inquired about one of the rooms, and would have her join us. I arrived first....the outside was neat, the inside was damp/mildewy, cold, drafty, creaky, rooms were very small, 3 large dogs, the boyfriend was a very shy man, the woman was overly talkative but very nice, and spiders inhabited many corners of each room. I was beginning to doubt this vision, things just weren't feeling right. Ida, the other potential renter arrived...I had a sense of familiarity with her. We talked a bit longer after the woman and her boyfriend left, and decided I would call her in the morning to tell her my perception of the place.

Dusk arrived, and, sure enough, I looked out the front room through the porch, and there were the two trees, silhouetted just as I had seen. I had a very difficult time sleeping there....the dogs whined, I could hear the two upstairs talking, the water from toilet flushing/showering went directly overhead, the bed was just not comfortable. I woke up exhausted in the morning. The saving grace was the hot shower in the morning. I ate my breakfast, and left, panicked a bit....I felt drawn to drive down to Ithaca and look for decent housing.

Ithaca was cool....lots of cafes, a great natural foodstore, hip-ness all around. Moosewood Restaurant, unfortunately, was closed. My reflective listening buddy forgot our weekly phone call. Housing was VERY expensive in Ithaca. I felt like shit barely warmed over because of not eating well, driving all day, and not sleeping well. I was beginning to feel depressed. But, I wouldn't let my self go there. I turned north on 89 and drove up to Seneca Falls, not knowing why, except that I was to contact Ida in the morning.

A quick phone call to friend DeAndria..."Hi DeAndria, I need your support right now. This is what happened.......and then asked her to visualize the right living situation come to me which would be of support to my healing and schooling process.

I then called Ida as I got closer to SF, told her all about the experience at the lakehouse, and how I would not live there. She had the same feeling, too, and offered to meet me at the college to show me the housing list. We met at noon. Again, the feeling that being with her was comfortable. She is 47 years old, easy going, drives a Mercedes CL, likes to talk.

It turns out her situation was that she had arranged to sublet her apartment to 2 women, because she hadn't been successful finding a roommate, and would go into a shared housing situation herself. As she talked, I wondered "why don't I move in to her apartment?" So did she. The topic came up, she showed me her apartment...it was nice. It felt right. She called the other women, and told them she had decided to keep the place.

So, with two weeks before school, I do have a place to live. I realized that sometimes a vision is not necessarily the end result.....it may just be the step to take me on the next step, and that it is important to just accept the vision, not get attached to it, and just follow the message, the gut feeling, and be open to where it leads.

Ida and I got keys for me, and I then headed back to my sister's place. I made a great spaghetti dish while Nancy made salad, and we ate with Katie and Grandma Mary in her apartment. Played with Casper, the wonder dog, until Katie scooped him up and settled him down. I felt this content I hadn't had in a very long time....feeling joy over being with people, feeling connected. And, my thought is, hmmm, I have a great apartment with a roomie who is going through school and we can help each other in the process, and I can drive over to my sister's for R&R with them as needed. Life is good. Variety, familiarity, proximity to school...life is full, not just good.

Burnout and Rebirth

I am two weeks into a 4 week leave of absence.....I hit my bottom over two weeks ago at work, and could not take one more demand on my energy there. It was scary, I knew I needed to take a break NOW. At first I took one week off, spent two days at home, two days then at the St. Norbert Abbey, one day at someone's house (thinking I needed to be around someone......no, I did not, I found out), then went back to the Abbey. I came home and called work the next day to say I needed more time off. Dr. Aldrich also agreed with me, and I changed my paperwork for 4 weeks of full time medical leave. It has been a week now, and this morning I woke up feeling like I was turning the corner.

Two days ago, I spent time with Debra Eberhardy, of Sacred Medicine in Schofield, WI. She was the woman who did soul retrieval work with me in August of 2007, literally saved my life. Well, she did it again! She assisted me on a journey to the other side, and into the underworld, in native american healing fashion. As I began to let go (that was hard, I was so much in my head, so fearful of experiencing the intense sedation I had during a healing touch session a month ago which made me very groggy), Debra was able to gently let me know that everything was ok, reminding me that she was there, I was protected. I heard the words emanate from inside me "chinese medicine will protect you...." Then she showed me the way into the underworld and there I met Silver Bear, my spirit guide. Debra and I communicated gently during the process, and I saw that my spirit had left me when my mother died. Debra retrieved my soul and blew it back into my belly and my head. I felt a release of the noose around my heart. I cried and cried the pain of mom's death, until I was able to sense I had let it go, finally.

The next piece of information that came to me was that I needed to re-address the goal I had of learning chinese medicine. I had the sense that I was to go east for school.....New England came up for me. I was aware of the New England School of Acupuncture outside of Boston, and we talked about that.....Debra had the strong sense that I needed to follow this intuition. I asked my spirit "when do I move and start this process?" I heard and saw "NOW!!!!" Very, very strong.

I got off the table and felt renewed, no heart pain, no fatigue. Settled. Ready to take the next step. My spirit guide is now with me, and I connect in with Silver Bear throughout the day, honor Silver Bear at meal times, and make tobacco ties to send my prayers to the spirit world.

Debra is studying chinese medicine at Midwest school of Acupuncture in Racine. She travels the 5-6 hours down there and back every week, and has been doing this for almost 2 years now. I was at her home for a woman's ceremony/lodge in December 2007, to do my own letting go ceremony of my relationship with D, when she first told me she was studying. I got IRATE!!! It was explosive, I felt this intense "NO!!! I am supposed to be doing that!!!! You are native american, this is not your medicine!!!" Funny to hear that from a midwesterner.....how am I any more qualified? I made some intensely rude remark to her and left the table. It wasn't until later, after I got home that I was able to talk to her about this, to apologize to her. But, I still didn't get the message that I needed to go back to school. I was too much into self-preservation mode as D and I crashed our way through our breakup.

At this session with Debra, she talked about September of 2007, when D and I went to her for a sweat lodge.....for my healing, but it also evolved into ceremony for D and her ancestry with the Lenae Lenape, embracing her grandfather, and to take in her step-sister's spirit to safeguard it as Nancy traveled (she had committed suicide the previous June). Then she told me about how D and I had given her a white bear pelt. Bear is the totem animal for healers. Two weeks later, she was attending the school in Racine. She said it was her honor to now pass on Silver Bear to me, because it is my turn to go learn. We both felt embraced by Spirit, aware that the world was in order.

My shaman brother Dale was with me again on this journey to Schofield. I love him so much.....he is an avatar, a healer, full of so much love! When I told him what transpired, and that I needed to go east to school, and to do it soon, he was initially concerned. I asked him to believe in me, and asked for his coaching, because he is really good at that. Soon, he was coming up with phrases for me to think of:

"winners keep their head in the game"

"know thyself, look inward"

"believe in myself!"

"everyone has the potential to be great, you just have to expect, demand it of yourself"

and my favorite "I am making myself a topnotch healer by putting more tools into my bag."

When I got home later that afternoon, I began looking up the New England School of Acupuncture.....I saw that the term began August 27th....my spirit said, "no that is too soon." So, I did a search on other schools in the northeast.....and, wow, one stood out in neon lights:

New York Chiropractic College's Finger Lakes School of Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. Master's in Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. 3 years. Term starts September 9th. The campus is on a big lake. The campus health center is staffed by chiropractors and acupuncturists. It is 50 miles from Nancy's, located in Seneca Falls, at the northern edge of Lake Cayoga. Months ago, when I was lamenting to my sister (who lives in Fairport, NY) that I really, really needed to get out of Green Bay, she wrote back to me and said "you know, there are some really neat places around here...around the Finger Lakes..." A few weeks ago, I began to have the feeling that she was calling me to come there. At the time, in my desperately downward spiraling situation, all I could feel was "if I go there, it is because I am dying and I need to be at her place." It felt like throwing in the towel, the last straw. My propensity for initial negativity.

Nope, she was calling me, alerting me to what was possible, potent for me in Upstate New York. There was also something familiar to me about the program. I wrote to Chris Lowthert, DC, my GNM friend, and he wrote back, confirming that this was where he did his chiropractic work! He said it was a beautiful campus, and a good program, and that I would love living in the area.

The next morning I called both NESA and NYCC, leaving a message at NESA, but directly connecting to Kyung Brown, Admissions counselor at NYCC. She and I talked for quite a while, there was still room for me in the fall program, there was time to get everything in place to start in September, financial aid would be available to cover the entire program if needed, housing, testing out of western sciences......It felt so right! I jumped in on FAFSA, my transcripts, the application, the recommendation letters.

NESA called me back later that morning, but it still did not feel like the right fit.

Later that morning I called Debra, she was so happy for me! She also said that she had said prayers for me last night, that everything would go smoothly, easily, and I would find the right program. "It is supposed to be easy" Vimala John Nemick said to me last year. He was referring to relationships, but it applies to any endeavor. Easy yet with its own travails, hard work but because it comes from the heart, it doesn't feel like a burden.

I refer you dear readers to Domo Geshe Rinpoche's blog http://satisfiedbuddhist.blogspot.com/. She is Ann-Marie's teacher. Today's post just happened to be about burnout........

Blessings to all. And, one last parting note from The Universe (just came today):

Look at it like this, Mariah, the more challenging your life story has been so far, the bigger the goose bumps for future generations who retell it to their kids. Who will no doubt add, "And if Mariah Peterson was able to do all that, so can you!"

We've barely just begun - 
    The Universe

Thoughts from today......

This is an email I sent to my healing partner and friend, Ann-Marie

Ann-Marie, your phone call was a gift from heaven! I went to sleep with the words "my body WANTS to heal" running through my mind, psyche. I slept 10 hours, and woke up without the abdominal discomfort or anxiety. I also think Dr. Guo must have done some qigong to push things along...or I just trust him that much.

You and I, we are healing together.....we are healing buddies. It is fascinating watching how things are moving along.....Thursday I called my friend in Hawaii with whom I have been doing "masterminding" and told her it wasn't the right fit now and I still wanted to keep in touch, her reply was that she was just doing it for me...that's why it didn't click, it wasn't a mutual commitment. Then the reflective listening buddy call cracked open my story around anxiety. Then last night with you and Guo. Waking up to this lotustarot card of the week in my email inbox. Then my sister calling before 8am, she never does that....I told her about how well I slept, you, Guo....she was very happy, also for you, she asked how the session with Guo was for you, she was glad.

Supporting each other is the most important thing right now....keeping each other's spirit uplifted and mind centered on health. I think about that story of the woman with multiple personality, breaking her leg, and another personality getting off the ER bed and walking away without any injury. I am now in my health personality.......maybe it is time for a new name, LOL!!!

Here is the Taurus (that's me...May 3rd) week ahead horoscope from Jonathon Cainer:
Your Week Ahead: Have faith in the future. It belongs to you and it is getting ready now, to welcome you with open arms. Have faith in yourself. You belong to yourself and you deserve the very best you can give yourself! If something now seems wrong or awkward, ask yourself why you are allowing it to become such a dominating factor in your life? In what way are you clinging to a part of the past that you ought to leave behind? There's nothing but hope and happiness ahead of you. To get to it, just drop yesterday's redundant dream and embrace tomorrow's inspiring vision. It's not an escapist fantasy. It's the real way forward.

Fits, doesn't it?

love you, Mariah

Gazing at a star-studded night sky is a truly beautiful and
hypnotic experience.

There is a magic and wonder about the stars and many of us
are familiar with the phrase ‘wish upon a star’.

What would you wish for right now? If you were to wish for
it, would you believe it could ever come true?

I wanted to share with you the magic I have experienced by
focusing on The Star card when it has come up in my
readings.

Wishing upon a star is at the heart of The Star card’s
meaning. It is a card of optimism, hope and unexpected
gifts. When this magical card comes up in a reading for
you it heralds a time of more positive opportunities and
happy outcomes.

This card is welcome almost anywhere in a reading as it is
a good indication that your wishes will be fulfilled,
sometimes not always as you would expect, and this card can
bring one or more unexpected gifts your way.

When it appears it can mean you are being too negative or
pessimistic, and it encourages you to have more hope and
optimism in your heart and mind, which is why I asked the
question earlier – 'if you did make a wish, would you
believe it could come true?'

I have wished upon The Star card many times and my
spirits always lift when it appears in my readings. I
recall in early spring of 2002 making a wish to be
given an opportunity to work with the Tarot with as many
people as possible, sharing a gift that was mutually
beneficial for my clients and myself.

It was a big dream and a big wish for at that time I
couldn’t see how I could achieve it, but I did BELIEVE I
would. Then in May of 2002, I met David, the talented
webmaster of Lotus Tarot, and as they say, the rest is
history :-)

The Star card has been a frequent feature in my readings
for most of the last year and I know why: because I have
received so many unexpected surprises and gifts, not just
in money and material things, but also friendships and
love.

If you haven’t taken much notice of this card before, look
out for it now, and when it comes up, make your wish!!
Remember, a wish made with hope and belief can bring so much
more power and magic to it.

Freedom is an inside job

Yesterday, my friend Ann-Marie and I, along with my brother Dale, had gone down to Dr. Guo's office for appointments. For the past week plus, I have been having intense heart palpitations and angina, gall bladder pain (the energy of frustation sets off the gall bladder) and two days earlier had had a stressful situation at work which in the past would not have bothered me much at all....I was panicked and called my boss to say I was going to take off for a week, I feared for my existence at that moment. She was frantic that I had never gone to a cardiologist to get my heart checked out (I told her that I did not respect them and did not want to be evaluated, but relented and made an appointment with my MD who I at least trust much more because she respects and listens to me).

For Ann-Marie, she had developed a breast lump (ductal, in healing phase) about a month ago, and felt she needed to get allopathic diagnostics....which also revealed skin cancer patches in various parts of her body. She has had PET scans, CT scans, and the typical sit-down to discuss the results "Ok, take a deep breath...I am so sorry to have to tell you this........" She also was moved to set up an appointment with Dr. Guo, after asking me about my experiences with him. 30 minutes prior to our leaving for Chicago, she returned the message, and was told that the MD wanted to do a brain scan to determine what type of chemotherapy would be best for her. I was pretty calm about it, I had the sense that all was well, and so did she. Later that afternoon, she came out of Dr. Guo's office beaming, relieved, and anchored in respect for Dr. Guo's life-affirming herbal work and personal demeanor as well as how much German New Medicine makes sense and teaches us to have faith in the health process of our body.

Here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Ann-Marie this morning:

Ann-Marie, yesterday was a miraculous day. Starting with feeling so exhausted and my heart in turmoil literally and figuratively, having to concentrate so hard to stay here on this earth and away from the "Dark Side" of negativity while Dale drove me down to your place, my brother's compassion and love sustaining me. Picking up the phone at your place and taking the message from the oncologist Dr. Maul (I laughed driving home remembering his name....kinda interesting message, don't you think? It is like the dentist named Dr. Caries or Dr. Payne), watching you deal so gracefully with the information, noticing that I wasn't freaked out at all by the call....GNM sinking in. Your teachings to me (The Bridge technique, having the power within to heal versus giving that power over to others, friendship, laughter, acceptance). Dr. Guo's mastery, both with herbs and his choice of words. Being able to love what is, understanding why I was in Green Bay.

As Dale and I got closer to Green Bay, the heart palpitations started to come back somewhat.....I looked at it and realized I had started to worry....worry about my life in Green Bay, my work, where to live, etc. I reflected on how peaceful I felt at Guo's, driving back to your place, leaving Thiensville, and realized that the peace was always there for me, it was my worry, and typically the mad dash to "find the right thing" which blocks it. My pattern, and immediately after feeling the heart stuff, I would put it back onto that particular situation "oh, I must have this..." or "I must move here...." etc. Addicted to things outside of myself. And, it dawned on me, too, that I typically make my decisions based on if it made my heart excited, instead of calm. I felt the freedom, that I have always had choices, it was up to me to make them and honor them. I was able to see how the little apartment I am in has been a freedom, a choice, it gave me an inexpensive, reliable, safe place from which to move out of D's life. My job....it has given me the money to survive, thrive, be treated by Guo, it has shown me that I am a good therapist, it has given me the chance to get along well with co-workers. Green Bay.....it is a straight shot to Guo's on I-43. I am closer to my brother and have been blessed by his love and connection. I found German New Medicine and have been connected with life- and faith-affirming new friends.

I watched an episode of 30 Rock a couple of weeks ago....where Jack is in the hospital because of heart palpitations......his cranky mother is there, he is hooked up to a heart monitor, she starts to notice that some questions she asked him made his heart rate go up, others would settle it down....so she started asking him if he loved his fiancee....heart rate went up.....did he love his mother.....heart rate went down......did he want to marry his fiancee....he said yes but heart rate went way up.....was Liz his friend......heart rate went down.... The light went on in Jack's head....... Hmm, there's a message here for me, too....and yesterday sunk it in for me. I slept a solid night and woke up refreshed for the first time in almost a month.

Addicted to things outside of myself, addicted to excitement. Expecting fulfillment from things, moves, people.......which really are not the source of happiness, health and well-being.

Got up this morning, and in my email inbox was someone wanting to buy my bikes (although it looks like a spammer....will see if they respond), and another email giving me inspiration as to how I might be able to sell my Light Beam Generator machine.

Funny how stuff like that happens, when the light goes on and the door opens.......

The truth is slowly being revealed in the "fight against cancer"

July 9th, msn.com had a report on a study done in Copehagen at the Nordic Cochrane Centre, analyzing breast cancer trends at least seven years before and after government-run screening programs for breast cancer started in parts of Australia, Britain, Canada, Norway and Sweden.

The authors found that overall, one third of the women identified as having breast cancer didn't actually need to be treated.

Their report stated "Some cancers never cause symptoms or death, and can grow too slowly to ever affect patients," "or the cancer will grow so slowly that the patient will die of other causes before it produces symptoms, or it may remain dormant over the years or even shrink." And "Experts said overtreatment occurs wherever there is widespread cancer screening, including the U.S."

Because doctors have no idea whether the cancer will be lethal or harmless, they tend to treat all patients diagnosed with a tumor. But cancer treatment, using powerful drugs, radiotherapy or surgery, causes harm.

Britain was smart enough, and possibly humanitarian enough, to stop using their breast cancer screening pamphlet, when critics complained that it did not explain the overtreatment problem.

The article on msn.com added this quote:, "Mammography is one of medicine's 'close calls,' ... where different people in the same situation might reasonably make different choices," wrote H. Gilbert Welch of VA Outcomes Group and the Dartmouth Institute for Health Policy and Research, in an accompanying editorial in the BMJ. "Mammography undoubtedly helps some women but hurts others."

And, this from Canada:

Marianne Tonnelier of Quebec filed a class action lawsuit on behalf of all women diagnosed with breast cancer in Quebec who tested negative for the biological marker that would lead to a prescription of Herceptin. Her concern is that women were misdiagnosed via lab tests, and so, missed out on "appropriate treatment" (my quotation marks). The article cites a government study where breast tissue samples were tested in a reliable lab, and then the samples were sent out to other testing centers:

- Fifteen to 20 per cent of the hormone receptor tests got the wrong result.

- Thirty per cent of tests looking for the HER2 protein were wrong. (The test is used to determine which chemotherapy treatment is best.)

Unfortunately, the government's response is to re-test some breast cancer patients "to ensure they're getting the correct treatment."

Lately, a US study was published showing that 25% of life-threatening test results never got relayed to the patient (which may be a good thing, in actuality.....but it shows how much our medical system is unable to meet the needs of the people).

Tip of the iceberg here....testing is not accurate, overtreatment happens, psychological harm is done. Instead of stepping back and taking a clear look at cancer, applying the biological laws, officials just keep throwing more fuel onto the fire, and when it gets big and hot enough, they take squirt guns to try to put it out. Our medical system is lost, run by business concerns mostly, and does not prevent ill health, it only identifies it and then makes people more sick via their treatment options.

Healing Phase of Pleura/chest attack Conflict

Shortly around the time of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett's death, in coming to realize more my fears around health, I began having more of the symptoms that the pleura was healing.....burning under the sternum, a slight cough, fatigue, warm hands and feet, good appetite, depending on how well I rested myself. I contacted Dr. Guo, who sent me herbs to balance this, talked with my GNM counselor, and relaxed.

It is amazing to me to watch the healing process happen. It unfolds every time in a manner that makes sense to me. And, when I relax through the symptoms, ice my head, take my herbs, stay calm as best as I can, the symptoms dissipate. And, I am left with a sense of more strength. Physically, mentally, spiritually.

Bodhisattvas....

Note: Reading my post "Farrah's Story" May 19, 2009 will shed more light on today's post........

Rest in Peace, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

In the midst of thousands who died on Thursday, the most noted in the press were two icons of pop culture. Yet, they were "regular" people, just like most people. They both had issues with life, both were deeply afraid of their power, and both were easily swayed and victimized by Big Pharma that the answers to their problems would come from pharmaceuticals, radiation, surgeries, and money.

I still assert that these two, amongst many, were here on this earth not just to entertain us, but to teach us all significant lessons. By being willing to submit to the dominant paradigm of thought/health "care" (I call it "sickcare"), they were showing those who are still living and are enamored of the lies by the dominant authority how these lies and ignorances lead to a crash and burn existence. The reality is: drugs do not a quality of life make. Especially Farrah's story.....calling the devastating effects of chemotherapy "treatment" and then the system saying "she died of cancer....."

I thank Farrah and Michael for their courage, for this profound teaching......

An Excerpt from Cheri Huber's latest message....

Note: the bold italics are my editing for emphasis.

"The June 18, 2009, quote from Transform Your Life is, “Fear grows in darkness; if you think there’s a bogeyman around, turn on the light.” (Dorothy Thompson)

How easy it is for conditioned humans, believing the conversation in the head is life, to forget, to get talked out of knowing, that each of us can “turn on the light.” As soon as an individual learns it is possible to end suffering in this very lifetime, and begins to sit and to develop the ability to direct the attention, that person is no longer condemned to live in darkness, afraid of the bogeyman. Once you know what the switch looks like, where it’s located, how to use it, you’re free. The gift, the wonder, of being a human being is that we have the power to turn the lights on and live in illumination.

Last month we had a Precept’s retreat. During the week preceding the “commitment ceremony” we look carefully at just what it is we’re choosing for the rest of our lives. The Precepts are:
Not to lead a harmful life nor to assist others to do so.
Not to take that which is not given.
Not to commit or participate in unchaste conduct.
Not to tell lies nor practice believing the fantasies of authority.
Not to use intoxicating drinks or narcotics nor assist others to do so.
Not to publish other people’s faults.
Not to extol oneself and slander others.
Not to be avaricious in bestowal of the teachings.
Not to be angry.
Not to speak ill of this religion or any other.
And, for good measure, we have what are called the Three Pure Precepts:
The Precept of restraint and religious observances.
The Precept to obey all good laws.
The Precept to benefit all sentient beings.

At one point Jen suggested an Eleventh Precept:
Not to believe or participate in the conversation in the head.

Now that is a true “cut to the chase” strategy! Without that conversation in the head would there be any shoulds or blame or comparison or judgment? Isn’t that conversation there only to perpetuate self-hate and misery? Without the endless droning voices blocking out the light and drowning out the wisdom, a person would live in attunement with life, act on what life brings, make course corrections as new information arises, enjoy, feel good, appreciate….
Sounds manageable, eh? So, why don’t more people do it? Why isn’t it more popular? Doesn’t everyone want to slide in that key, unlock those chains, shrug free of the restraints, flip that light switch, and stroll smiling and humming into the sunset? The obvious answer is “no.”

Egocentric karmic conditioning, ego, the illusion of a self that is separate from life most assuredly does not want to live in peace, ease, appreciation and gratitude. Why? Because it cannot. An illusion of a self that is separate from life must have that illusory life in the past or in the future where there is an imaginary “something wrong” to fear, worry about, agonize over, regret, feel guilty about, be confused over, try to figure out—in a word, noodle. Ego has its fictitious life in a conversation in the head. (If that’s hard to follow, compare the imaginary life of ego to a movie. Those characters in the film, with all their joys, sorrows, triumphs and failures, much as they seem to be real, are not. We pretend they’re real, sometimes even get so caught up with them that we forget they’re not real. We identify with them, feel what they’re feeling—which of course they’re not—and for a while believe they are real people living in real situations in a real world. But they’re not! And neither is that voice of ego in the head, pretending to be worried, fearful, upset, hopeful, etc. It’s all an act. Egocentric karmic conditioning does not live in the real world. And neither does the person duped into giving over their attention and awareness to that fiction.)

To quote Shaw again, instead of being duped, we have the opportunity to be, “…a force of nature.” That’s what we can call the person who lives in attunement with life, acts on what life brings to do, makes course corrections as new information arises, enjoys, feels good, appreciates….a force of nature, an expression of Life.

Choice #1: feverish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. Choice #2: force of nature. The choice is ours and, blessedly, as soon as we decide to go with Choice #2, we know how to use that key and we know how to flip that switch!"

Gassho,
Cheri

I find this teacher's work to be sooooo instrumental in my practice, helping me to really hear on a deeper level the egoic voices, and to not buy into them. The website is www.livingcompassion.org, it will touch your heart. They help African children, have a free weekly internet radio program, support monastic and lay sangha, have an active social peace stewardship, hold retreats around the country, sell Cheri Huber's books, and other dharma materials.

Mariah

German New Medicine and Brain CT Scans Part Three

3. Pleura Left lung. Mesoderm origin, controlled by the cerebellum (old brain). The conflict of "attack" against one's chest, real or figurative, a threat or an imagined attack (probably my fears that I was having a heart attack during my two previously described HHs), attack on one's integrity can be experienced as an attack against the pleura. The brain and pleura's response during attack is to thicken the costal pleura to protect it against further attacks (stabs or blow) or mentally (such as the shock response to "you have a lung tumor!").

This Hamer focus was conflict active at the time of my scan (5/5/09). Once conflict has been resolved, the pleura goes into healing, or effusion. It is in this phase that one would have sensation: pain, swelling, fluid on lungs, shortness of breath. The degree of healing symptoms is directly proportional to the amount of conflict and inversely to the degree of understanding symptoms/phases and not panicking, instead relaxing, embracing, resting, and, if you have a good practitioner, therapies which support the body and balance the healing response (I talk with Dr. Christopher Lowthert, DC in Pennsylvania, use chinese herbs from Dr. Guo, and take Rescue Remedy ALOT).

I do believe that I have gone into conflict resolution or healing on this one.....I am having a mild persistent burning over the left lung, fatigue is setting in, my extremities are warm, and my appetite is very strong. Dr. Guo has me on herbs which regulate water metabolism, ie, diuresis, and this is most likely keeping the symptoms mild. I am tired today, and will probably take the day off tomorrow, to continue resting.

So, here is an example of how GNM can explain what is occurring with someone, and I hope that this perks interest in someone out there. To learn more details, go to www.germannewmedicine.com.....a wealth of information. Again, my thanks to the reader for your interest, and just a reminder, if you have more questions, comments, please write to me!

I am grateful to Drs. Chris, Meyer, Guo and Aldridge, David, Caroline, my family and friends, especially Ann-Marie for their love and support as I go through my healing, and my study.

German New Medicine and Brain CT Scans Part Two

The next Hamer Focus to be found......

2. Coronary arteries/both Right and Left cerebral cortex relay centers. In this brain area, I had two foci, one on each hemisphere. Both had cellular development indicating they were in Healing Phase. The inner lining of the coronary arteries is the tunica intima, which is squamous epithelium, of ectoderm origin, or outer skin. The outer skin is a later evolutionary adaptation, allowing the organism to retain water, have protection against the new elements encountered on land. This is why the ectoderm is controlled by the newer brain, cerebral cortex.

The conflict activity affecting coronary atereies is a territorial conflict. This is also a special situation in that I have two HF's, one on each side....this brings up what is called "Constellation." These are opposing Hamer Foci, essentially "cancel each other out," and this is most likely the origin of my history of mild depression. In Conflict Active phase, there is ulceration of the tunica intima -- why? So that in the face of a defense of territory, when the animal is in a stressful, fight or flight, situation, the coronary arteries will be able to expand and accept the greater volume and pressure of blood being pumped through them as the animal's heart rate and force of pumping increases. This improves performance. Once the conflict is over, the coronary arteries go into healing.....repairing themselves with the "spackle" of the body..... the inflammation process, which brings all kinds of cells and fats and protein to the injured site. There is swelling to tissue during healing process, and "so there can be temporary occlusion, which is, however, insignificant, since it doesn't cause pain or circulatory disturbances, as previously wrongly assumed."

The third Hamer Focus: continued....

German New Medicine and Brain CT Scans Part One

It has been a while since I said I would explain more on German New Medicine. I received the result of my brain CT scan reading last week, and so thought this would be the best vehicle by which to show how health works in an organism.....

In GNM, biological laws explain what is occurring with a healing process. A conflict, either literal or figurative, impacts the organism (and I make this generality because this applies to organisms at all levels....from the basic neural net organism to the higher cognitive/brain development human/dolphin/ape, etc.) at three levels simultaneously....the psyche, the brain, and the corresponding organ. We can look at any of these levels to understand what conflict occurred...psychological behaviors elicited, how the organ has adapted/responded to the conflict, or the brain as seen by the concentric rings that develop in the appropriate organ relay center in the brain. There are 2 phases in a healing process.....conflict active and healing phases, each with their own unique qualities, at the psyche, brain and organ levels.

Getting a brain scan isn't absolutely necessary for determining what is occurring for a person, but it is a good tool for providing more information, if you believe that knowledge is power. For me, I love amassing and assimilating information.

Here are my results:
1. Right myocardium/Right Cerebral medulla relay center. In Healing Phase. This is mesodermally-derived tissue layer, and under cerebral medulla control, so handedness plays a factor here. Normally, in handedness or laterality, when an organ contralateral to the right brain side is affected, we see the conflict being relative to a mother/child issue. In the heart, because the rudimentary two-tube heart twists and forms four chambers in higher vertebrates, the affected tissue is now on the same or ipsilateral side as the brain HH. The conflict for myocardium is OVERWHELM in relation to mother/child. The conflict active phase activity in the myocardium is myocardial necrosis. The post-conflict healing phase activity is reconstruction of the necrosis with muscle hypertrophy. It is experienced during the epileptic crisis (mid-phase final sympathetic tone push of the last of the conflict) as muscle spasming/fibrillation, an elevated blood pressure and tachycardia. The biological purpose: to make the muscle stronger. Therapy: a. come to understand and resolve/downplay the situation(s) which are psychologically and physically overwhelming. b. Shock-therapy by dowsing the head/body with cold water, or placing a big bag of ice over the head, especially the right side where the myocardium relay center is located. Dr. Chris told me that the Hamer Focus is small, and not one to be worried about.

Part Two: the next Hamer Focus....

The goddess, the heroine who lives in us all...

A chat on Facebook with friend DeAndria...

Mariah:
I had a dream last night that Rachel Maddow and I spent time together one day, just hanging out, having breakfast at a groovy breakfast spot in Northampton, MA, browsing through a neat knickknack store, lazying in the sun on a wooden rowboat in a nearby pond. By the day's end, she was very emotional, was at a loss for words in describing how much she was in love with me....I woke up with this wonderful feeling, knowing that was me.....I have gotten through a very difficult time, let go of big stuff, and Rachel Maddow-in-me is my reward....she was waiting there all the time....

DeAndria:
Rachel Maddow is hot! What a nice revelation huh?

Mariah:
yeah.....I am hot! She is hot! You are hot! We all are hot!

DeAndria
YYYEEEHAWWW

SSSSSiiizzzzling!

The heart knows....

I realized this today that I stopped dreaming. Day dreaming with purpose about my life. Something I used to do all the time. What I have been doing the past 2 + years has been focusing on "not dying." I have wanted to get out of Green Bay, go live somewhere else, make this growing and unique body of knowledge (self-healing, Health Works) into something that gets the message out to people. But, no living technicolor, just fear-based.

I looked at pictures of Boulder, CO just as I was aware of this loss in my life....so I purposely looked at images, and imagined myself in them....feeling what it is like to live in a new area, feeling excitement, new life, new purpose, joy at meeting new people, the fun of hanging out downtown, sipping tea, talking with new and old friends. IT FELT FANTASTIC!!!! Welcome home, Mariah's heart.

I had my bimonthly telephone meeting with Dr. Cropley today. We talked about my message, what is holding me back....I know what it is.....not connecting with my heart, to myself and to others. Power over, control. I lived with someone who was a control addict, one of my closest friends is a control nut, my boss is a control freak. All mirrors for my controlling and power-over way of treating myself and others.

The Northwoods, part two

I turn my attention to what feels like really low energy....I was woken up at 3am by the filter system doing its nightly maintenance, and I slept in the basement instead of in the comfy guest bedroom. I am typically way tired on Saturdays, anyway, and yesterday was a day of drinking decaf (swiss water process, of course) coffee which is really a rarity for me(Dr. Guo frowns on coffee, says it is stagnating and not good for those in healing process...), getting on the road, driving the slower yet very scenic route, Highway 55 along the Wolf River, and then coming to Sue's to be taken over by the girls.

I wrote this while on the dock...."How do I stop equating low energy, change of energy/groundedness with depression? Seek out, find the spark of Love, Joy inside of me. Hold it carefully, nurture it, be gentle, show this in my interactions with others."

Tears came to me, right after writing this. I had the sense of burden, the energy it takes sometimes to maintain, the grief of letting go. Not only did I have the things I described above, there was also coming to Sue's and seeing furniture which had belonged to my former partner and I...she sold items to Sue and Andy before moving east. Yesterday, when I walked in and saw the couch set and wood desk, there was both a sense of grief, and a willingness to be happy for my friends' that the furniture fit for them. Both of her daughters individually, accidentally called me by my ex's name. I woke up to see one of "our" posters hanging in front of me. So many memories....

I cry. No words. Just crying. Mason comes over, and just stands in front of me....I reach out and hug him, accept his connection, put my hand on his chest and feel his love. He then turns and moves on to the other side of the dock "all is well, love is everywhere, do not worry." And, I once again accept my tears as just another way to let go (as I would easily do as a kid....), to stop holding on so much, trying to control and appear in control, to just Be, in the moment, whatever is called for.

My energy improves. A sense of rightness in my world, the Universe, comes over me. I hear the organic strawberries in the fridge calling for me......

The Northwoods

I am in the Minocqua, WI area this Memorial Day holiday....I have 4 glorious days to do as I please, thanks to my dear friend Sue who opens her home to the people in her life. I am most appreciative for her generosity.

Before going outside, I was curious about what the New Moon today signified, so I asked Sue to fire up her PC (it is so old that everytime I type in a new website address and hit return, the computer does this loud, gearing up kinda roar...I am waiting for it to blow up "no, stop, too much already" it seems to be saying, or "these websites are so odd, why are you asking me to go there?"). I find that this one is in Gemini, which governs the mind and thought processes, so it is about communications or community matters. It is also Mercury Retrograde, ooohhh, that trickster on communications. So, work on clearing negativity, reclaim one's mental space and look at what gets our attention...what things does one need to put limits on? Brainstorm, consider what you want to build, but don't jump into action until after May 30th (purists may say, though, that M.R. is felt all the way yet until June 15th). There is also a triple conjunction of Chiron (the wounded healer), Neptune and Jupiter from May 20th to June 10th, asking us to heal spiritual wounds, look for new support from peers, spiritual/healing groups, reach out and share one's inner strength/truth with others, heal from the illusion that we are separate from each other and issues related to taking on power in the world.

Yup, I see it happening, it's falling into place. Today's lesson for me is about allowing what is naturally there to be there, let life unfold, and know that all is well and provided.

I was sitting on the dock earlier today, at VanderCook Lake, staying at my friends' amazing home in the woods, a calmness surrounds and pervades the home and the land it is on. The girls add this joie de vivre that adults don't touch anymore. Mason, the german shephard, stays with me while the others are out. There is my pick of canoe/numerous kayaks ("One can never have too many non-motorized outdoor gear" as said by Dudley Improta, Mr. U of MT Rec Dept head and self-annointed gearhead) on the beach, it's a bluebird blue sky day, a slight breeze at my back, it's sooo quiet, trees are green, now and then an owl hoots or a woodpecker drums on a tree or a fish strikes at a lakefly on the water's surface. The wind chimes give resonance to the wind. Various birds chirp in symphony.

My energy level, my body reminds me to let go, to relax, no need for doing anything more than BE. Accept. Be totally here. I love my life, and when I get out of the pitty party, all I see is cause for rejoicing.

My heart, the weathervane, the messenger

My heart feels normal now. I am not having the dragged out feeling in my chest, body anymore. There have been times in the past 2 weeks where I do notice the little flutters now and then, and I can see that I am pushing myself, typically mentally or emotionally. It came up for me two days ago when out fishing with friends. After being on the boat for about 30 minutes that morning, I was nervous about how to relate to the two women I was with, the wind was picking up, and I was relating it to my exhausting ferry ride over to WA Island last Saturday, so I worried if I would be able to make it sitting on this boat, with my heart fluttering, some panic setting in. A few scenarios flashed through my mind, what to do if it gets worse kind of thing, until I became aware of what I was doing and stopped myself from "awfulizing" the situation. I relaxed into just being in the moment, being on the boat, soaking up the sun, knowing that it was only my focus on fear which was making me afraid. Later on, as we were boating along (and fast, Sally has a need for speed) and this time I was enjoying it, it dawned on me how much anxiety has been a constant in my life...little niggly doubts, worries, degrading self-talk, what-ifs, stuff like that. I was aware that, in the past, I would have these physical sensations of heart fluttering, tension, jaw clenching, vacant feeling in my chest coupled with the worrying. I hadn't been so aware of what was going on in my body, however, as I was paying sooo much attention to what was going on in my head....all the conditioned thought, worry were paramount. A sense of peace came over me.....I didn't need to focus on those thoughts anymore....something clicked.....my heart stopped fluttering.....I now know what peace within myself feels like. No amount of worrying will get me to a place of peace, it comes from letting go and going to my Nature. I am complete. My nature is that of peace.

There are a number of vehicles which help me to come to this realization over and over again....zen meditation, and German New Medicine. GNM has taught me that heart palpitations are due to overwhelm, manifest during healing phase, and that rationally looking at the experience I am having helps to clear up the conflict. Zen and meditation has given me the tools to look at and see these experiences as what the mind makes up, that ultimately they are not real, only the conditioning of the mind to react. To see that the emperor is not really wearing any clothes!

The mind's sole purpose in the lower vertebrates is to protect, assure survival, basically as an instinct. However, being vertebrates with a much greater grey matter development, with the ability to think and adjust our behaviors, override instincts, we develop this disconnect from what is truly dangerous. The self takes messages, and from conditioning by those around us, society, we learn to "over-react" and think that the message from the brain is true. When 99% of the time it is not really happening. We lose the ability to make the distinction between what truly is life-threatening and what is just the ego/mind being threatened of its existence. The ego is such a drama queen, a prima donna and a bully....it does not want to be told what to do, especially shushed and relegated to a lesser role. It thinks it is dominant, in charge and fully capable, when, in reality, it has NO POWER, only what we give it. It does feel like a death going through changes, because the ego does not want to die. Learning to see the ego for what it is dissolves the hold it has on us. Then, one can rely more and more on Awareness, which is the Still Small Voice, Instinct, Intuition, Higher Self, Buddha Nature.

"Farrah's Story" message

Have you had the chance to watch "Farrah's Story" yet? Pretty intense. No, not pretty.....immensely intense. I wonder if any of the people watching caught the two times during the filming where we saw the healing process working, but then was wiped away? At the beginning, and then before her "re-diagnosis" -- it was there in full color digital......she was healthy and active and feeling good, despite perhaps some fatigue. She goes into the MDs at both of these times (the second for her "check-up"), and is told "you have cancer....." She goes from healthy and vibrant to a puddle of shock and grief and panic immediately. And, the conditioned response in this culture? Run to the allopathic treatments. She gets sooo sick from these. At the end of the story, we are left in suspense.....how IS she now? Is she dying? Will she come out of it?

Cancer is not a death sentence. In most cases, tumors arise during healing phase. Farrah's tumors were anal and liver.....what I don't know is if it was liver bile ducts which are ectoderm origin, (and tumors appear during healing phase) or if they were in the parenchyma (body of the liver), this is endoderm origin, and tumors appear during conflict active phase. Anal is ectoderm origin, and thus tumors occur during healing phase, after resolution of conflict.

As most of us going through cancer know, or come to admit, we have or had the tendency to be in conflict, often. It seems to be our nature, to take on conflict, to be more susceptible to it, to not know how to get out of it. One author referred to a new personality type -- Type C -- cancer-type. Look at the people you know who have had cancer, or if you are one with cancer, look to yourself, can you identify this tendency?

I do not glorify the documentary. My hope is that people will see through the craziness of it and go "why are we doing this to people?"

Apparently there were more to the original video but was edited out by NBC.....discussions about the lack of FDA approval of European techniques, use of alternative approaches, the high cost of treatments in this country.

It is a fact....people who don't have money/insurance and so opt out of any or more aggressive treatments.....actually live way better or beyond the 5 years. Our medical regime does not keep statistics on people who decide not to do their treatments....because it would blow their numbers out of the water. It is a fact.....people institutionalized in psychiatric hospitals and prisons have cancer rates far BELOW the general population rates.....why? because of their psychiatric and living conditions, they typically do not have the existence conflicts we in the general population experience, and these marginalized people are put further down on the list for receiving complete treatments as someone with insurance or is a notable figure would go after.

A big message.....if it makes you more sick, how is that good for you? If someone gives you food which makes you throw up, would you go and ask for another helping? No. So, why do we put up with that from the medical system? With my chinese herbal treatments....everytime I have a new symptom (which is part of the law of cure....the body reveals another layer of insult to be healed), and Dr. Guo changes the herbs in order to balance out the condition, I will feel an increase in the symptom for about 15 to 60 minutes, and then, poof, it is gone, literally vamos! That is what true healing is about.....working through the insults, the imbalances, and doing so in a gentle way that the body and psyche can handle it. I no longer have asthma, I can tolerate more wheat in my diet, and my sleep is sooo much better now. I don't have the jaundice I had 2 years ago. I look healthier, I think more healthy thoughts without it being a chore. I am just plain healthier. And happier. I remarked to Dr. CJ, my chiropractor who does NET (Neuro-Emotional Technique), "I feel normal today." I haven't felt normal since.....I want to say November 2007, yet this is a normal I haven't experienced in longer than that....calm energy, calm mind, content, healthy feeling body, no noticeable discomforts from any internal organs. I am healthy.

What is the real message to this documentary? Farrah, Alana, Ryan and the other Angels talk over and over about "the horrible disease of cancer" and how it must be fought, and battled. I don't see that as the message at all. As I see it, the message is "run like hell from allopathic prognoses and treatments." Farrah is a messenger to us all, unfortunately she is going through horrendous conditions. But, don't mistake their words as valid.....look to what is ACTUALLY occurring.....does getting more and more sick equal health? No. If we look beyond their grief, the conditioning, what we see is someone who may be giving their life in service to the greater good....to send the message "this is what allopathic treatment does to people." Please think twice, and think with clarity, not with fear. Your body knows what will make it healthy.

Pay Attention to the messages....

"Act with faith, Mariah. Prepare the way for your inevitable success. To the degree you can, behave as if your dreams have already come true, as if you already owned a iMac, as if later today you were going to regain a strong heart and be physically active. And you shall see the power you wield as the floodgates begin to tremble, the elements begin to conspire, people in your life begin to change, insights are summoned, comprehensions soar, and clarity is born.
Not to mention fierce, wild animals laying down when you pass by - "
The Universe (from Mike Dooley's website)

I received this two days ago. As I began to read it, I knew from my heart, gut this was something to pay attention to...."as if you already owned a iMac..." Ok, I now do own one. After desiring one for a long time, my Acer laptop just was not cutting it anymore, it was so loaded with background programs running that it would take 5 minutes to boot up. I rationalized it for months, "well, while it is loading, I will meditate. While the new page is loading, I will take deep breaths..." Finally, one day in April, while talking with Cynthia Lamb (amazing woman, spiritual counselor from LA), she said to me "come on, Mariah, you manifest things all the time, and from what I know of you, very easily. Why are you holding back on the iMac?" Yeah. My federal tax return arrived a day later, with more money in it than the figure I had arrived at....so, I went down to Best Buy, followed my bliss, stimulated the economy, and bought my iMac. The speed of it, the creative format of the platform, wow, I am very content with it. Having the iMac is what pushed me to commit to this blog, to writing, exploring this vein of information I live and teach to myself and people who listen.

Back to The Universe's message from Tuesday...."as if later today you were going to regain a strong heart and be physically active." Hmmm, this message is getting even more personable. I could see the iMac pertaining to many who get the daily message, no big deal there. But, this part.....the heart. I have been struggling since August with heart palpitations, anxiety, low energy. I have not been able to tolerate movement beyond a gentle dose of qigong, and even that my body did not want to do more than 2 days in a row. I have been a slug for quite a while. Work has been difficult, I have had to cut back on hours so that I could rest more. I have been doing less manual therapy techniques on clients, as exertion with my arms would make my heart go into palpitations. Both of these have been good for me, though. My heart has been my teacher, my weathervane, about how much I was not paying attention to my emotions, it would tell me when I would be doubting on a deeper level what I was doing with a client/where my motivation, intentions were coming from, and it would show me how filling my heart with love would act as a protectant....this would slow me down, get me into a place of letting my treatment decisions come from both my heart and brain, instead of 'shoulds'. I was aware, and others had pointed out to me in the past, that I really put way too much effort into my work, trying to 'do it all' and 'to do it all at once.' I have been learning through my heart to trust, to let my treatments be more simple, to give the patient time to ingest the message, to let Spirit guide my hands to the areas which really would need a gentle manual technique. And, the time off was allowing me to focus on my blogging.

But, 9 months, to learn this lesson? How long would this go on? I received last week the results of blood tests I had done earlier with Dr. Peri Aldrich, MD (my cool MD, she is way into wanting the patient to be in charge of their health, listens to her patients...my first appointment was oh, over an hour, we talked mostly about my path, my health, my needs!!). My calcium level was below normal (I have always been on the low side, but this was the second time I had it below...first was in 1996 in the interval between my surgery and my mom's diagnosis). Dr. Meyer addressed it by muscle testing me and finding that a Standard Process whole food supplement Cataplex F was called for...this helps with calcium metabolism....I started taking it last Friday. The weekend was its typical down energy recuperating from the week of work, Monday I noticed I felt better at work. Monday night I did not have the 'bump-bump-bump' heavy beating of my heart during the night. Then I read The Universe's message...."could I be getting over this heart stuff?" Yesterday at work.....I remarked to my co-worker "Renee....I feel NORMAL today....my heart has been quiet, not jumping out of my chest or racing." I had a busy day, and while I was not able to take a rest break at work because of the schedule, I was much more aware of relaxing in my sessions with clients, during our meeting, and when I got home. This morning, as I laid in bed, my heart felt relaxed. So....I have regained a strong heart.....and I trust that I will be physically active again, only this time, in a manner which is driven by my needs, not my competitive, angst-driven manner of the past.

"And you shall see the power you wield as the floodgates begin to tremble, the elements begin to conspire, people in your life begin to change, insights are summoned, comprehensions soar, and clarity is born.
Not to mention fierce, wild animals laying down when you pass by -" I am in this place of trusting, relaxing, no expectations, just watching for what may come next. No attachment, only enjoying each moment.

As I write this, I realize the birthing message behind this. 9 months.

"The greatest protection is a loving heart. Protecting yourself, you protect others. Protecting others, you protect yourself."
- The Buddha

Creating

"Do you think the main reason people don't visualize is because it's too hard or because it's too easy?"
~ Mike Dooley

Back in 1990, during the time I studied T'ai Chi at Pacific School of T'ai Chi with Chris Luth, I took a course called "Technologies for Creating." The major premise is that the act of creating is really a process of physics: create the tension between reality and one's goal, and stand back to watch the tension resolve itself towards the goal, most often times in ways wholly unimagined by the creator. Holy smokes, did it work! It worked so well, that I became afraid of it!!! Because, at the time, along with the actual result of creating, it meant to me I had to be responsible for my creations. Too much, aaaahhhhhh! I stopped using the process, and began to free form, let the chips fall where they may. Which, on some level, is all zen and good and beautiful......if you have the Awareness for it. If that is your goal. If you are willing to live with what comes your way. I am awed at some of the zen stories of masters who lived this way, in peace, knowing that, ultimately, the course of life didn't matter, it was how one lived with the course which really mattered.

I have also experienced in my life, though, the impacts of creating: because this process is inert, is really a Universal Law, it will spit out whatever you do put into it, and wow, have I ever created crazy stuff!! Lots of ego driven stuff. We get to live with what we create. That is what I meant by being responsible for one's creations. Taking ownership, acknowledging 100% responsibility for what your thinking, desiring created. Little by little, if one pays attention, you can start seeing patterns, what flows better for you, what doesn't, what feels like your deepest drumbeat, versus what is more like the cacophanous sound of the masses.

So, you know what? It is your choice how you are going to create. Try one way, then try the other. See which one suits you better, or use both, depending on the situation. Just know that, one way or another, there is a responsibility within you to attend to what you create.

Friend and fellow German New Medicine (GNM) student Ann-Marie was visiting this weekend, and we spent the time just in free-form discussions, following the threads of interests, insights and intuitions. As per my custom, I took an afternoon nap. While relaxing, getting to that place of letting go, my mind was wafting over my conversations with Ann-Marie. I realized how much I think and speak at times like Eeyore....oh woe is me, I don't do this anymore, I want to get to this point, etc. It dawned on me that this is my self-devaluation conflict which has caused my lymphatic enlargements...especially the one in the hypochondric region (right at the base of the ribs in the front of the chest)...the solar plexus....one's power center.....of course, explains it all. I resolved to draw my line in the sand, and separate the destructive negative thinking from who I am....which I experienced quite profoundly with Ann-Marie while we did a movement exercise expressing gratitude, courage, hope, and joy. I saw destructive on the left side of the line, and constructive on the right....the dynamic of these two mirrors the Creative Tension I spoke about earlier.

Then I hit on this combination the other day, of Dr. Cropley's integrity model (draw the line in the sand), the physical law of tension resolving itself towards the goal, and Angela Treat Lyon's discussion on how each and every one of us are the Center of the Universe....our own Universe....there is no way we can be the center of someone else's, as much as we may have tried. Together, the three of these give clarity, impetus and reality to creating. Integrity helps one understand how to figure out what is truly good, healthy and right for us. Center of the Universe concepts gives permission to own what we want for ourselves, instead of following someone else's idea of what is "right" or "spiritual", etc. And, finally, recognizing that we must be aware of those behaviors, actions which take us out of integrity, along with holding to the integrity thoughts and actions, intentions creates the tension to resolve our desire towards that of completion, embodiment, fulfillment.

1. The answers are inside of us. 2. Life will drag us along regardless of how much we fight it, so why not step back and listen, participate purposefully, and make the journey easier? and 3. Love is the guide...listen to it, believe in it, nurture it within yourself and with others.

May you have a wonderful, beautiful time creating what truly matters to you!

Namaste, Mariah

Clarity, focus, health, joy.....

Here's a great quote from Sarah Starr, a local yogini who blogs at www.beitliveitloveit.blogspot.com....wonderful muse, I encourage reading her posts for a glimpse into the life of another woman who is living from her Spirit:

"Without clarity I am out of integrity with myself and all others . Without it I cannot align with my passions, my service in the world or my natural connection with the flow of life. Without it contentment is stuck in the bottom drawer along with joy, peace and fun!"

Last night, my friend Sally and I listened to Charley Cropley, ND, (Boulder, CO) talk on integrity in one's health care choices....very passionate man, and very real....the bottom line: get clear on how important health is to me, how important is it for me to be happier, free of anxiety, fear, sadness, irritability and experience real sincere joy and really like who I am. Then, draw that line in the sand, and pay attention to the ways in which I partake in behaviors which go against my clarity. No judgement against myself when I step over the line, but to be aware that I also love (or, am addicted to) behaviors which go against my clarity. Love it all, and move towards what makes me feel better.

I realized right then, often times, what I do, health-wise, is motivated by fear. An underlying reaction to not wanting to be sick. Which keeps me in a state of sickness, and makes for a lot of energy loss, a blind alley kind of basis to my life. When I meditated on what I really wanted over the next 1 to 5 years (able to move/exercise at the drop of a hat, be outdoors, laugh, get back to skate/telemark skiing, canoe trips, joy in my life/work/relationships), I felt peaceful, content, wonderful. Then, when I meditated on the path I am on continuing (anxiety, low energy, fear), ugh, I saw myself being incapacitated! That did not feel good at all.

I pledge to come from the clarity, the integrity of what is most important to me for HEALTH. From the sense of certainty that there is a law governing health: good in, good out; crap in, crap out. Just as there are laws governing how my body heals, there is a law governing how my focus affects my health.

A couple more quotes:

It does no good to search frantically for peace, to seek anxiously after love or joy or freedom. If you want to find joy, do joy. If you want for there to be peace, do peace.
- Cheri Huber

You are the creator of your own reality, and so you are not in jeopardy. You do not need to control the behavior of others in order for you to thrive. Your attention to things that you think they do that keeps you from your thriving is, in fact, what keeps you from your thriving... It is not what they do to you; it's what you do to you in fear of what you think that they will do to you. - Abraham

What I have learned

Phew, so, all the details (at least the ones which won't bore the reader too much) are out there. I wanted to start from the beginning (at least the beginning of this chapter of my life), mostly so you could get a feeling for the feelings, mindset, paths I took, the money spent, the turmoils......and hopefully that you picked up on crazy thinking. I hope that there were times you read this and thought "god, she was rough on her partner" or "what a whiner!" or "that doesn't make sense!!" or "hmm, what is evolving for this woman?" Good, because those reactions are the very intent of why I write this.....to show the journey from blind ignorance to liberation.

I must first give thanks to the Power Within, the Grand Overall Design, God, The Universe, Awareness, whatever it may be called.

And, I am grateful for EVERYONE who has been in my life, because you have been in my life as tremendous teachers, to move me along my way, and for that I am eternally thankful. It awes me all the time how much we have this interwoven existence, all for the purpose of coming to learn the lessons of Love. Having a human existence, going through all the pain and suffering, to learn we are much more than our humanness and we are much more powerful and capable than we tend to realize.

May Love be your guide, and your experience.

The Biological Revolution

If you haven't guessed it already, I have this fairly particular opinion about conventional medicine. I used to be a sheeple, and a huge consumer of allopathic medicine, until I began to see the arrogance in the medical community. It helped that at my formative years I lived in Portland, land of alternative medicine....practically anything a person could want for health care is available there. I ate it up. I loved having a naturopathic physician who took the time to talk with me, who was down to earth, and on top of it, would look at the deeper reasons for whatever was ailing me. As soon as I got to Portland, I was seeing an ND in Tigard where I first lived. I needed my candida problem addressed, which eventually snowballed into an intense hypoglycemia condition (how did I manage to walk into that doc's office with a blood sugar of 28? I should have been comatose.....), and later on a touch of hepatitis A and mono. I was introduced to homeopathics, herbs, changing my eating habits, hydrotherapy, acupuncture, colonics. Many other modalities.

I change most of the physical things in my life, and still end up with cancer....technically, three times now. Why? How come with all this stuff I am doing, I continue to get growths? One homeopathist told me "you just like to grow growths.." A spiritual counselor said "you manifest quickly and you heal quickly." What does all this mean, what is missing in my healing process?

The mind!! Oh, yeah! The one thing that scares me more than anything in my life, literally. My mind, my attention to my mind, and the messages I learned god knows when is the biggest culprit....not the food, not the possible chemicals my mom ingested, not the pollution. My habitual thoughts, my ability to deal with conflicts.

German New Medicine, more than anything I have done for myself, for my health, well-being, and peace of mind, has made sense to me. It has taught me to be aware of conflicts, symptoms which tell me whether I am in conflict or healing phase, and mostly, to not panic.

In a nutshell, Dr. Hamer, the elucidator of the 5 Biological Laws of Health, came to understand these when he developed testicular cancer, after his son had been murdered. Being an MD, and head internist at an oncology clinic, he took the steps to identify his cancer, and when looking at his brain CT scan, saw something odd......concentric rings at a particular area of his brain. He asked the radiologist about these but was not able to get a definitive answer. This led to investigating other patients' scans, finding these same rings (Hamer Focus) occurring at the brain center relay for the organ which was cancerous! Having a large patient database to work from, he began to also talk with patients about their experiences with cancer, both before and after diagnosis. There were two remarkably consistent occurrences: 1. Patients invariably would be able to point to a significant conflict or shock which occurred prior to the appearance/diagnosis of cancer, and 2. Diagnostic shock more than anything else led the individual into more debilitating symptoms than the actual occurrence of the cancer.

Dr. Hamer is also a biologist, and began to also notice a number of things: such as, there was a correspondence between embryonic layer, cancer occurrence, and symptoms progression. He was also aware that most treatment and diagnostic rationales in conventional medicine were actually based on unproven and disproven theories -- germ theory, tumor markers being definitive for cancer, metastasis.

German New Medicine began to form, the explanation of cancer and cancer-equivalent or functional diseases. His paradigm of health led to new ways of "treating" individuals...which involved primarily having a strong understanding of these biological laws, using a calm and rational approach to learning about and either resolving or downplaying conflicts, and being aware of symptoms within each phase.

I have learned that my tumors, lymph node enlargements, heart palpitations and sensory numbness are my body's healing response to conflicts. So, every time I was "diagnosed" and given horrible news and prognoses, my body has been in the stage of healing; conventional medicine has wanted to cut it out, or poison my body. I have even had a medical oncologist take a look at me and say "well, you do look healthy for someone with such a high Inhibin B level (>5000), and your estrogen levels aren't really all that high......." after she was pushing me to start one of her debilitating treatment regimes!! Reminds me of something I read recently "if someone gave you food which made you sick, why would you ask for another helping?"

As Roshi Junpo of Hollow Bones Zen Group tells us: "your angst is your liberation." The occurrence of cancer has led me to this place of liberation, not being afraid of cancer anymore. Not being afraid of symptoms. Coming to understand that Health Works, and all along, I have had a healthy, responsive immune system. It just needed a little bit of help in cleaning up my act with my thinking and eating and energy maintenance.

Crazy Stuff

So, I go off to these two areas, both identified as favorable by my astrologer friend....in the midst of heart palpitation, anxiety. While on this trip, neither cities/states hit me as the place to move to....partly due to pros/cons not being favorable, partly because of the health issues I am experiencing just don't give me the access to a drive to move away from where I am at, and also realizing how good my work is for me at this time in my life. I also don't want to be away from Dr. Guo right at this point. He continues to tell me I am healthy, and as I get healthier, the tumors will shrink.

I decided to settle for a while in Titletown, focus on work, my health. The dang anxiety, heart stuff continues, though. It's October now, I see one of Dr. Guo's associates as Guo is in China....this acupuncturist is not as good as Dr. Guo, is not a cancer specialist, he suggests I get a repeat CT scan to see where things are at....I'm feeling ready to see the results, expecting shrinkage.

I was quite surprised to find out that everything was still growing!!! WTF? My mind was attached to seeing a different result! I was able initially to stay centered as the medical oncologist described to me the various chemos she was recommending....Tamoxifen, another estrogen inhibitor, an aromatase inhibitor, and one or two chemos. I told her I wanted to continue with my chinese herbal treatments, to which she became visibly upset. Bless her heart, she tried the best she could to maintain calm, and offer the kind of support she could....symptoms management for anything the herbs do not deal with. My resolve begins to erode, and I start researching Brevail, a concentrated flaxseed lignan supplement used in breast cancers, and is similar to Tamoxifen. I see Dr. Gary again two weeks later with the CT scan and the suggestions from the medical oncologist, saying that I am beginning to lose my resolve, and that I may start on the Brevail....so he changes my herbs to help detoxify my body while I take Brevail.

It is sold over the counter, so I pick up a packet at Down to Earth and pop one around noon one day.....and watched my energy plummet!! A friend at Beacon House (a local program providing healing services/classes for people with chronic illnesses and their support people) tells me "oh, yeah, a friend of mine took it for her breast cancer, and it made her a** drag! My inner sense is going "no way, you are not going to do this..." I get a Healing Touch session from Kathy Vanderleest, excellent practitioner, filled with heart she is. On the table, my spirit attempts to leave my body.....my spirit energy at the head begins to pull out of the body, but the rest of my body pulls it back.....rather strongly at that. Once I accept that this is happening, I relax considerably, and feel the dragging energy of the Brevail/my fears leave me...the rest of my day is wonderful, relaxed and energized.

This is a similar experience to the one I had in August, '07.....my energy tanking, due to exhaustion, fears, outside influences. I am beginning to see the picture of how each individual is in charge of the time of their death, that it is a programmed choice, either consciously or unconsciously. The next 4 months provide me with more fodder for exploring this.

In August when I was having the intense heart palpitations, I had my brother Dale drive me down to Chicago to see Dr. Guo...I could barely function so Dale drove down. My herbs were changed, and the instant I took my herbs, I felt so much better...in fact, I drove back most of the way. Which made me overly tired again. Crazy....I just cannot get a handle on how to take care of and respect my energy level.

I was so frustrated, however, with the language barrier with Guo, and with my perception of his demeanor towards me (he can be so unattached, so expression-less, as I experienced with tibetan buddhist teachers, and tend to read as "I must not be good enough"), that I internally cry out "God, I just want someone who can explain all this to me and tell me what is going on!" as I am paying my bill. We walk downstairs to the chinese restaurant for Dim Sum, and who walks in but Gary Clyman, a qigong master whose work "Emotional Liposuction" I had been seeing in Consciousness magazine from Chicago! We point to each other, and then talk, he shakes my hand three times, I feel this transfer of powerful energy to me, I feel alive!

I want to get treated by him, but waffle for 2 months. Until I have a particularly bad day of anxiety, and in desperation I make an appointment and drive down there 2 days later. It is painful work! He uses two fingers and presses on acupuncture points around the chest and abdomen relating to abandonment, anger, rage, etc while emitting Jing. Before Gary begins, he puts a rolled up washcloth in my mouth, and has me hold onto a loop of webbing "so that you don't try to knock the shit out of me." It feels like a red hot poker being seared into your chest! I scream and scream and cry and swear, all through the washcloth. He has to take a break, thank God, I needed it too! Then he goes right back to it...aaaaahhhh!!! When he is finished, I lie there on his table, panting, yet feeling profoundly relieved of immense layers of crud, light and energized. He suggests I do his Chi Kung program....I am hooked. I am such an experimenter, and easily led, too.

I practice the chi kung from a video, it is easy to follow. I also show up two weeks later for his Personal Power seminar....more like an EST all-day, no eating grueling workout. My energy takes a HUGE nosedive. The next morning after the seminar, I wake up in the motel with left sided numbness in my face, upper and lower extremity.....shit, what do I do? I contemplate going to see Dr. Guo in Chicago, but am embarrassed. He has cautioned me numerous times about doing other kinds of treatments without his consent. So, I decide "I am a PT, I know what to look for, my cranial nerve checks are fine, I can move my extremities without problem, I will just take it a bit at a time." The numbness lasted for about 2 hours, and dissipated by the time I got to Green Bay....I had a chiropractic appointment set up for the end of the day, so I go to that. I think Dr. Marc is concerned, but agrees that it wasn't serious. I learn later on what this all means, more on that later.

Three days later, I am driving south again for Dr. Guo's appointment. The drive is 3 hours away. I am so exhausted that morning that I make a pact with myself at 30, 60, 90 miles that I can turn back or call my brother Dale to come and get me if I can't make it to Northbrook. Dr. Guo is quite upset with me for seeing Dr. Gary, explaining that I need to stick with his suggestions only, as he is the oncologist. He assures me I am healthy, just relax, relax!! I stop the Gary Clyman Chi Kung, as Dr. Guo says it is too much for me. He basically doesn't want me to do much else, just relax.

I decide to ask for an endoscopy, as I was having intense solar plexus pain, duodenal ulcer symptoms. The CT scan did show growth around the 4th portion of the duodenum. I'm thinking "yeah, this test will show if it is an ulcer or a tumor." I am trying to believe in the integrative medicine approach, trying to be as informed as I can within reason. The endoscopy, though, did not progress into the 4th portion....I find out as I am in the recovery room when the nurse shows me the scope pictures. I quiz the nurse "why didn't he go to the 4th portion?" She asks the MD, who relays to me that "everything is fine." I ask the med oncologist a few days later, and she says "oh, they never go into the small portion of the bowel with an endoscopy!" I am blown away, so why did she ok the scope? She gives me a lame answer, I respond, "aren't you supposed to be watching my best interests here?" She is quiet.

My energy from this point goes through ups and downs. I lose my appetite for weeks. It is hard to tell what I will be like from day to day. Good days are really good, bad days are rough. I go through a week of rough, barely able to get anything down, no energy, luckily I am off work that week. My mind is going crazy "is this dying?" I ask Dr. Guo over the phone when I call in my symptoms....."no, you are fine." He sends me herbs, overnight. Wow, another resurrection, I feel normal for the first time in weeks. My energy does continue to be low, I am tired. Worried about that. But, Dr. Guo keeps telling me "you're healthy, you're healthy! You still have more healing to do, but you are healthy!"

On a good day, December 5th, I re-connect with a woman I met this summer, had felt attracted to but was not willing to approach a deeper relationship because I wasn't ready, and she was too similar in some ways to D. I feel pulled to jump in this time, her energy is intoxicating, I am seeking someone to nurture me and she outwardly provides this, our mutual cancer experiences I decide are connecting us (she had skin cancer), I mistake her spirituality as having depth....I start to run on my sexual energy. We go ahead with a relationship, quite sexually charged, and we are both exhausted. I see some very important issues between us early on, and try to work with them, try to be honest about them. But, my heart just doesn't let me continue with it, again to the point where I get intense heart palpitations. It ends as quickly as it began.

The day after we break up, I get chiropractic care from Dr. CJ Meyer, a young yet amazing practitioner. The day after that I wake up at 5am with my left face and forehead, upper and lower extremities numb once again. I put an ice pack on my head and over my ears, to stop the palpitations, ease the symptoms, call Dr. Chris Lowthert, my German New Medicine practitioner, and start truly believing the new paradigm I am studying. This time around, along with my neuro understanding that I was not having a stroke, I see the light, understand what is behind my symptoms -- sensory symptoms of the arms and legs deal with separation conflict from figures dear to me, both partner and mother/child, and at the same time, wanting to move away from this person yet also wanting to hold on to them. The nature of my relationship with this woman is right in front of my face, a huge conflict, recreating what I had with D. These symptoms used to come up for me in the past with D., but not at the same intensity as that day.....it was time to understand and resolve my pattern of lusting, grabbing, not paying attention to the messages saying "this is not right, stay away!" I realized then and there, if I am to have a truly good relationship, make good choices for me, it will no longer involve this pattern of jumping into situations where my intuition is saying "whoa, there, is this really what you want? Is this healthy for you?"

German New Medicine makes so much sense to me now. Everything that occurs to the body has a conflict basis, is experienced simultaneously in the psyche, brain and corresponding organ, and will go through well-defined conflict active and healing phases. The key is understanding what is happening, not panicking, and letting resolution/downplay of conflict occur through rational understanding of the conflict and the triggers.