I had a difficult mid-week this week, after having quite a few days of feeling really grounded, normal, happy. My roommate is a 5th trimester DC student, taking 33 CREDITS!! I have been watching her spiral down into this abyss of over-tiredness, mumbling under her breath, yet her continuing to say "I function best when on the edge!!!" Well, what I was getting, however, was more and more behaviors from an unedited, uninhibited, and tired person. My typical behaviors around my internet addiction, going more and more into the "yikes, it is feeling like I am walking on eggshells here!" and feeling not good enough, as well as my judgemental attitudes about her program and her way of dealing with stress smacked right into her issues. She barked at me a few times. I could take that. Then, she called me on my cellphone to express her "anger" about feeling intruded on one morning...WHAM! I went into my belief of not being good enough and not able to step back and see the whole scenario. I lost the ability to stay present and see the entire situation for what it was. I complained to a couple of classmates.....I ran the scenarios over and over in my mind....I carped about her behaviors......
Then, I saw that this was just dragging me down. There was no point to "winning" this war with her. Our living together was getting more and more uncomfortable. I was starting to think seriously about "getting the hell out of Dodge!" Yet, a part of me knew that this was a pattern for me.....and I wanted to get through it.
I heard her say, during one of her moments of exasperation, something to the effect of worrying about her finances. Bingo....I heard that on a deeper level. This was one more stressor to her that she just could not tolerate (and perhaps was making it more of an issue with all her other stressors going on). I wanted to let her know I cared, and heard her. So, I went to P&C Market and got her a small gift certificate. I gave it to her later that evening, saying "I just wanted to apologize for my insensitivities, I see that you are going through alot!" She was surprised, said I didn't have to do that, and then gave me a hug.
There was such a different feeling in the air around/between us. We laughed with each other that night. She talked loud enough so that I could hear her.
This morning, I received in my gmail inbox a message from Steve Pavlina's "Personal Development Insights".....he introduced a fellow named Morty Lefkoe, who essentially does cognitive behavioral therapy.....helping people look at their beliefs. I went through the process for "I am not good enough." At the end, 35 minutes later, I could tell that belief was gone, or at least had a minimal impact on me.
Went to acupuncture after that. A student in my program was there for observation, and I reluctantly agreed to have her sit in on my program.......concerned that my background issues would not be respected, since I have such a different way of dealing with health. Yet, I said ok, because I knew I would be in that position next week, as an observer, and a part of me DID want my classmate to know that there are alternative ways of looking at healing. So, on we go.
As I told my story, I could feel this belief creeping into the outer layer of my consciousness.....egads, I am crazy! I am sick. I did not sleep well last night, was waking up every 2 hours, and had some palpitations and tiredness. I was letting that experience overrun me, emotionally. I became afraid.....afraid that maybe I really was dying, and was just playing a trick on myself.
I had gotten the message Tuesday (two days prior) from friend Emily that a mutual friend of ours, someone who had gone to Dr. Guo, and at some point this spring had been deemed "healthy" and "cured" from colon cancer. Yet, Emily is relaying to me now that she is in hospice and isn't expected to live much longer!!!! My initial reaction was "holy shit! Am I going to die? We both saw the same herbalist, both had the same pronouncement of health!" It didn't help that this information arrived the day my roommate was going into her dance routine as well......
Intellectually, I rationalized that "I have a different mindset, from GNM, showing me that I AM healthy." I did have an interaction with this woman (K.) this summer, and at one point in our conversation, felt compelled to ask her "are you alright?" I asked her that a number of times......and wondered, "was I projecting there? Am I the one who is not ok?" It was true that I was going through the weird and intense gallbladder pain at the time..... I wonder now if a part of me was picking up something from her.....
Had an astrology reading last night with MoonCat in Missoula.....she confirmed just how psychic I am......she told me to "control the weather....." and "bring it on, now!" when I responded to something she said in the reading that hadn't come to fruition (yet, later on, I realized it had already.....).
Where am I going with all this......oh yeah. After acupuncture, I felt much better, went on to do my workstudy job. Within 1.25 hours, I felt the heart stuff coming back....and got back into the fear mode. I hung on for another 15 minutes of work, then moved on to turn off the projectors in various rooms. My body was dragging.....I decided to respond to my body rather than "think myself through it" and push on, which is my tendency. I stretched out on an adjusting table and took a quick nap, which helped.
As I got up to finish my rooms, I remembered the process I did this morning around beliefs, and so turned the light on to what was going on for me this morning. It became clear to me that I was operating under two scary beliefs:
1. As a child, I could not fathom that I would live until the year 2000......that seemed unattainable!
2. I am kidding myself around my health issues.
As I began to look at those, and acknowledge that these where both repeated thoughts in my mind, and probably reinforced by my parents behaviors, especially my mother's, that I no longer had to believe in them. And, I popped out of the feeling weak, worrying. As I sit here typing, I am aware of healing sensations.....hunger, ready to take a short nap, relief, warmth in my feet and hands.
I do know that mindset is a HUGE aspect to the quality of one's life, and that applies to health besides prosperity, getting your soulmate, etc. I have seen myself come close to plummeting into pits of despair and extreme weakness, just from the quality of buying into negative thought. When I realize what I am doing, and turn my thinking around to that of perfection......invariably, my energy level goes back to normal. Quite normal. Able to function normally.
Amazing turnarounds, just by how I think. Vibrate.
No comments:
Post a Comment