Sunday, April 26, 2009

Crazy Stuff

So, I go off to these two areas, both identified as favorable by my astrologer friend....in the midst of heart palpitation, anxiety. While on this trip, neither cities/states hit me as the place to move to....partly due to pros/cons not being favorable, partly because of the health issues I am experiencing just don't give me the access to a drive to move away from where I am at, and also realizing how good my work is for me at this time in my life. I also don't want to be away from Dr. Guo right at this point. He continues to tell me I am healthy, and as I get healthier, the tumors will shrink.

I decided to settle for a while in Titletown, focus on work, my health. The dang anxiety, heart stuff continues, though. It's October now, I see one of Dr. Guo's associates as Guo is in China....this acupuncturist is not as good as Dr. Guo, is not a cancer specialist, he suggests I get a repeat CT scan to see where things are at....I'm feeling ready to see the results, expecting shrinkage.

I was quite surprised to find out that everything was still growing!!! WTF? My mind was attached to seeing a different result! I was able initially to stay centered as the medical oncologist described to me the various chemos she was recommending....Tamoxifen, another estrogen inhibitor, an aromatase inhibitor, and one or two chemos. I told her I wanted to continue with my chinese herbal treatments, to which she became visibly upset. Bless her heart, she tried the best she could to maintain calm, and offer the kind of support she could....symptoms management for anything the herbs do not deal with. My resolve begins to erode, and I start researching Brevail, a concentrated flaxseed lignan supplement used in breast cancers, and is similar to Tamoxifen. I see Dr. Gary again two weeks later with the CT scan and the suggestions from the medical oncologist, saying that I am beginning to lose my resolve, and that I may start on the Brevail....so he changes my herbs to help detoxify my body while I take Brevail.

It is sold over the counter, so I pick up a packet at Down to Earth and pop one around noon one day.....and watched my energy plummet!! A friend at Beacon House (a local program providing healing services/classes for people with chronic illnesses and their support people) tells me "oh, yeah, a friend of mine took it for her breast cancer, and it made her a** drag! My inner sense is going "no way, you are not going to do this..." I get a Healing Touch session from Kathy Vanderleest, excellent practitioner, filled with heart she is. On the table, my spirit attempts to leave my body.....my spirit energy at the head begins to pull out of the body, but the rest of my body pulls it back.....rather strongly at that. Once I accept that this is happening, I relax considerably, and feel the dragging energy of the Brevail/my fears leave me...the rest of my day is wonderful, relaxed and energized.

This is a similar experience to the one I had in August, '07.....my energy tanking, due to exhaustion, fears, outside influences. I am beginning to see the picture of how each individual is in charge of the time of their death, that it is a programmed choice, either consciously or unconsciously. The next 4 months provide me with more fodder for exploring this.

In August when I was having the intense heart palpitations, I had my brother Dale drive me down to Chicago to see Dr. Guo...I could barely function so Dale drove down. My herbs were changed, and the instant I took my herbs, I felt so much better...in fact, I drove back most of the way. Which made me overly tired again. Crazy....I just cannot get a handle on how to take care of and respect my energy level.

I was so frustrated, however, with the language barrier with Guo, and with my perception of his demeanor towards me (he can be so unattached, so expression-less, as I experienced with tibetan buddhist teachers, and tend to read as "I must not be good enough"), that I internally cry out "God, I just want someone who can explain all this to me and tell me what is going on!" as I am paying my bill. We walk downstairs to the chinese restaurant for Dim Sum, and who walks in but Gary Clyman, a qigong master whose work "Emotional Liposuction" I had been seeing in Consciousness magazine from Chicago! We point to each other, and then talk, he shakes my hand three times, I feel this transfer of powerful energy to me, I feel alive!

I want to get treated by him, but waffle for 2 months. Until I have a particularly bad day of anxiety, and in desperation I make an appointment and drive down there 2 days later. It is painful work! He uses two fingers and presses on acupuncture points around the chest and abdomen relating to abandonment, anger, rage, etc while emitting Jing. Before Gary begins, he puts a rolled up washcloth in my mouth, and has me hold onto a loop of webbing "so that you don't try to knock the shit out of me." It feels like a red hot poker being seared into your chest! I scream and scream and cry and swear, all through the washcloth. He has to take a break, thank God, I needed it too! Then he goes right back to it...aaaaahhhh!!! When he is finished, I lie there on his table, panting, yet feeling profoundly relieved of immense layers of crud, light and energized. He suggests I do his Chi Kung program....I am hooked. I am such an experimenter, and easily led, too.

I practice the chi kung from a video, it is easy to follow. I also show up two weeks later for his Personal Power seminar....more like an EST all-day, no eating grueling workout. My energy takes a HUGE nosedive. The next morning after the seminar, I wake up in the motel with left sided numbness in my face, upper and lower extremity.....shit, what do I do? I contemplate going to see Dr. Guo in Chicago, but am embarrassed. He has cautioned me numerous times about doing other kinds of treatments without his consent. So, I decide "I am a PT, I know what to look for, my cranial nerve checks are fine, I can move my extremities without problem, I will just take it a bit at a time." The numbness lasted for about 2 hours, and dissipated by the time I got to Green Bay....I had a chiropractic appointment set up for the end of the day, so I go to that. I think Dr. Marc is concerned, but agrees that it wasn't serious. I learn later on what this all means, more on that later.

Three days later, I am driving south again for Dr. Guo's appointment. The drive is 3 hours away. I am so exhausted that morning that I make a pact with myself at 30, 60, 90 miles that I can turn back or call my brother Dale to come and get me if I can't make it to Northbrook. Dr. Guo is quite upset with me for seeing Dr. Gary, explaining that I need to stick with his suggestions only, as he is the oncologist. He assures me I am healthy, just relax, relax!! I stop the Gary Clyman Chi Kung, as Dr. Guo says it is too much for me. He basically doesn't want me to do much else, just relax.

I decide to ask for an endoscopy, as I was having intense solar plexus pain, duodenal ulcer symptoms. The CT scan did show growth around the 4th portion of the duodenum. I'm thinking "yeah, this test will show if it is an ulcer or a tumor." I am trying to believe in the integrative medicine approach, trying to be as informed as I can within reason. The endoscopy, though, did not progress into the 4th portion....I find out as I am in the recovery room when the nurse shows me the scope pictures. I quiz the nurse "why didn't he go to the 4th portion?" She asks the MD, who relays to me that "everything is fine." I ask the med oncologist a few days later, and she says "oh, they never go into the small portion of the bowel with an endoscopy!" I am blown away, so why did she ok the scope? She gives me a lame answer, I respond, "aren't you supposed to be watching my best interests here?" She is quiet.

My energy from this point goes through ups and downs. I lose my appetite for weeks. It is hard to tell what I will be like from day to day. Good days are really good, bad days are rough. I go through a week of rough, barely able to get anything down, no energy, luckily I am off work that week. My mind is going crazy "is this dying?" I ask Dr. Guo over the phone when I call in my symptoms....."no, you are fine." He sends me herbs, overnight. Wow, another resurrection, I feel normal for the first time in weeks. My energy does continue to be low, I am tired. Worried about that. But, Dr. Guo keeps telling me "you're healthy, you're healthy! You still have more healing to do, but you are healthy!"

On a good day, December 5th, I re-connect with a woman I met this summer, had felt attracted to but was not willing to approach a deeper relationship because I wasn't ready, and she was too similar in some ways to D. I feel pulled to jump in this time, her energy is intoxicating, I am seeking someone to nurture me and she outwardly provides this, our mutual cancer experiences I decide are connecting us (she had skin cancer), I mistake her spirituality as having depth....I start to run on my sexual energy. We go ahead with a relationship, quite sexually charged, and we are both exhausted. I see some very important issues between us early on, and try to work with them, try to be honest about them. But, my heart just doesn't let me continue with it, again to the point where I get intense heart palpitations. It ends as quickly as it began.

The day after we break up, I get chiropractic care from Dr. CJ Meyer, a young yet amazing practitioner. The day after that I wake up at 5am with my left face and forehead, upper and lower extremities numb once again. I put an ice pack on my head and over my ears, to stop the palpitations, ease the symptoms, call Dr. Chris Lowthert, my German New Medicine practitioner, and start truly believing the new paradigm I am studying. This time around, along with my neuro understanding that I was not having a stroke, I see the light, understand what is behind my symptoms -- sensory symptoms of the arms and legs deal with separation conflict from figures dear to me, both partner and mother/child, and at the same time, wanting to move away from this person yet also wanting to hold on to them. The nature of my relationship with this woman is right in front of my face, a huge conflict, recreating what I had with D. These symptoms used to come up for me in the past with D., but not at the same intensity as that day.....it was time to understand and resolve my pattern of lusting, grabbing, not paying attention to the messages saying "this is not right, stay away!" I realized then and there, if I am to have a truly good relationship, make good choices for me, it will no longer involve this pattern of jumping into situations where my intuition is saying "whoa, there, is this really what you want? Is this healthy for you?"

German New Medicine makes so much sense to me now. Everything that occurs to the body has a conflict basis, is experienced simultaneously in the psyche, brain and corresponding organ, and will go through well-defined conflict active and healing phases. The key is understanding what is happening, not panicking, and letting resolution/downplay of conflict occur through rational understanding of the conflict and the triggers.

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