So, I go through more grief once again. Just way down in the dumps, don't want to get out of the dark apartment or go anywhere kind of stuff for a good week. The adept acupuncture treatments by Darlene pull me through times when I think my own spirit is wanting to leave. My energy bottoms out. School starts up again. It is drab and dreary most of the time in Seneca Falls. My heart palpitations return.
A woman I had known from last trimester pops up in my life now and then. I find her to be very sweet, and I appreciate her idiosyncracies because I can feel she has a deep desire to live life as best as she can. I hadn't felt attraction beyond that appreciation. She and I talked one night, ever so briefly, very innocently, nothing intense, just fun. I walk away from the building happy, but more so from the totality of grace I had experienced that day...my acupuncture treatment focused on the sciatica/piriformis pain I had been having in the left leg....and realized afterwards that my leg felt "whole," there was more to its "beingness" perhaps a reconnection I hadn't felt in years (I originally injured my low back in Alaska, 1983....off and on problems with it). Classes were intriguing that day, Darlene was her usual nurturing and love-sharing self, and then it was topped off with a fun conversation.
Back home that night, I am sitting on my living room floor, it is the night before the New Moon (January 14th), and was aware that I wanted to write out my intentions for the month and meditate before going to bed. Before I do so, I am hit with this feeling of connection to life, feeling full and satisfied, I heard myself think "Hmm, love school. Love my warm apartment. Love how I have space to spread out and do what I want. Love that I am studying acupuncture. Love Seneca Falls' quietness. All that is missing is a significant relationship with a woman......sigh....oh well, in time. I can wait." I do my writing, and meditating, writing the intention that I will have a very good relationship with a special, compatible, loving, nurturing woman.
The New Moon was to occur at 2:15am or something like that......I woke up at 2am from a dream in which the woman with whom I talked earlier that day appeared to me, asking me to "be gentle with me." I am shaking and sweating, and get up, go to my journal and change the intention around to "I release my fears around being in an intimate relationship with another woman again." I am not ready to just jump in.
The end of January I wake up in a sweat, hearing my spirit say "if I want to move on, I need to let go of D." I break into sobs, it really is time to let go....this hanging on no longer serves me. I know it to my core that I have finally released my need to identify myself with D.
That morning, as I take a shower, both of my breasts are tender. I have a back treatment in acupuncture that afternoon, so I am prone for it.....wow...my breasts are really sore! The soreness abates over the week...I even needle myself for breast congestion....it helps! 5 days later, while taking a shower....I feel a lump in my right breast, and more of the fibrous feeling in my left. I know what it is....separation conflict in healing phase....I resolved the conflict of not being able to let go of D. for 2+ years! And, this is the healing response. I call Chris, and we have this great talk about the beauty of understanding the biological laws. No need to panic, and just ignore what is occurring.
I did go through an intense fatigue period about 3 weeks later...coupled with midterms and really overdoing the studying with my energy improving. I just let myself sleep as needed, I never skipped classes, but I didn't do much in the way of homework for about 1.5 weeks. Watched the Extended Version of "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. "Fellowship of the Ring" is SUCH a SPIRITUAl movie....blew my socks off!!!
Eventually, I did tell Darlene about the breast congestion and, sitting on the floor of her office, we talk quite a bit more in-depth about GNM. Planting seeds.
I am up to the present time.....mid-March...I can hear the March Madness basketball game on the computer in the cubicle next to me (I am at the school library).....Two months of dealing with my energy level fluctuating, my heart palpitating, stressful school and personal interactions. My energy is back to normal, the heart palpitations are gone, I have had alot of healing lately, I feel a strength building in me as I learn more about and accept myself. My friend Chris had been encouraging me to look deeper into Human Design, a system which explains the juxtaposition of your unconscious being versus the conditioning we call personality. It shows one how to understand your basic way of existing in the world, responding rather than reacting. I got a reading in January, and found a deeper explanation for why I am who I am, why I have done things in certain ways, and realized why loving myself is really natural.
Through these two months, I watch my monkey mind, my egoic conditioning fights me like CRAZY so as to not be let go of. I am focusing on my strategy and authority from Human Design, the daily tweets from Zen teacher Cheri Huber fit well with this, reading from her books when I can, meditating and doing qigong daily. Starting to exercise more as the weather and my energy improves. Wrassling with my conditioning of desire....holy cow, it is f***ing intense. Started counseling...wonderful to have the weekly time to just talk with John. Two weeks ago, he says to me "Hmm, I was wondering where to take this, but realize that I don't have to...you know what you need, and I am just here to witness." I feel it too....."it's all inside you...." as once told to me by Chi Ling, my spirit guide from the late 80's who propelled me into teaching Tai Chi in Portland. It's always been there. I just forgot to turn my attention to it.
The "it" is my old friend "ShenYi" or "God's Mind." The name I chose (or it chose me) for my tai chi school. Although, at the time, I didn't know it was "God's Mind." I just put Shen and Yi together, because the former means "spirit" and the latter is "consciousness"...I was looking for a name that would imply Body-Mind-Spirit. I had tshirts made up with the yinyang symbol developed by one of my students and on top of it was the chinese characters for Shen Yi School of Tai Chi." An older chinese acupuncturist in Portland took one look at my shirt at the start of my appointment one day in 1993 and asked me if I knew what the first two characters meant. "Sure! My school name!" "In my culture," he replied, "we read those together as 'God's mind.'" Goose bumps! I went back to my school studio in an altered state, feeling that something important was being presented to me.
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